New Day

Woke up this morning wanting a fresh start, so took a nice long bath and smothered myself with lovely cream - Styled my hair, put on a bright red top (and shoes to match) and generally on the whole feel loads better. I still want to eat, eat, eat, but right now I am able to hold of a little. My friend had a baby on Tuesday so I am going to see her and her little girl - I can't wait!! I love babies.

I've ordered the book 'body confidence' after hearing so many good reviews on it in the Beyond Chocolate Forum - I'm really looking forward to getting it because my self esteem regarding the way I look is really low at the moment. It's crazy because last week when I was eating mindfully, I felt great and now because I am finding it hard not to overeat, I feel crap about myself. It's a vicious circle really but I know that I must take things slow and one step at a time.

Can't wait until the Beyond Chocolate Weekend in 2 weeks, it should be great. I think a whole weekend concentrating on mindful eating is just what I need. Right now, I am constantly distracted with moving house and basically other things I don't need to worry about!! I'm a worrier - ha ha - it serves absolutely no purpose!!

Still binging

Right now, I still can't seem to stop myself overeating. I hadn't been shopping for nearly 2 weeks, so thought this was probably effecting things too (I overeat when my supplies dwindle) - so last night, I went to the supermarket and STOCKED UP!! However, on the way home, my car completely broke down!! I had to get the AA out to tow me home (it was 11pm at night so I was stuck on my own at the side of the road in the dark!!) A local garage picked it up today and it's going to be expensive!! Thing is, I could kick myself because I knew it was running funny the last week, but I didn't take it to the garage!!

So today, I have been eating and eating again!! I'm feeling crappy too because I know I have put weight on and I'm bigger than I've been in ages!! I know what I need to do (ie, read my books, tune in, keep a journal etc etc), I just can't seem to do it!! I notice that when I get in this state (I call it a binge state), I can't be bothered doing anything - eg, tidying the house, doing anything fun, making an effort with the way I look etc!! I know this will pass, but I'm just finding things really hard at the moment

Binging Galore!!

Well, Valentine's Evening, my boyfriend got home at about 7pm (definite last minute after work rush to buy me flowers!! Lol) Anyway, he was filthy (he's a sprinkler engineer) so needed to take a bath (shower still not working). By the time, he got out of the bath, it was too late to go out for something to eat, so we ordered a take away. For some reason, I just wanted to binge binge binge - so did!! I ate loads of my supplies and then the take away!!


Yesterday, I was the same all day - just eating and eating - I couldn't even stop myself to ask myself why!! Last night, I lay on the sofa in absolute pain, my stomach felt like it was going to explode!! Like my skin was trying to stretch to fit in all I'd eaten, but it couldn't!! I tried not to beat myself up about it, but I was so mad for getting that full!!

This morning, I woke up and tried not to get angry with myself, but to be honest I'm feeling very down and unattractive. I haven't made much effort in my appearance for the last two days and I don't seem to want to write in my journal (or on this blog to be honest, I'm kind of pushing myself to write this as I know it will probably help!!). I've spent all this morning eating out of mouth hunger and I mean eating (I must have had enough chocolate for 10 people!!)

Possibilities about why I wanted to eat so much: -

• Dissapointment about not going out Valentine's night (although that didn't seem a big deal at the time)
• Knowing that my boyfriend did a last minute dash to buy me flowers and a card (again not a big deal but maybe it would have been nice to know that he'd thought about it before 5pm!!)
• Stress about moving house (I'm currently in the process of moving house but everything seems to be going very slow and we have already had it all fall through once)
• Guilty feelings about not studying enough for Uni (I am doing a part-time degree in Social Work)
• Since then, negative thoughts towards myself

I would really appreciate any advice people could give me to get through this time, I know it will be temporary (and I haven't thought about dieting once - so that is definately an improvement!!)

Eating in the car

On the way home from work today I felt hungry, so got a small bar of dark chocolate out of my bag and ate it while driving. I sucked it slowly but of course, you can't really concentrate on eating whilst you are driving!! When I got home, I still felt a bit hungry and started eating Kettle Chips - by this point, I think I had started to eat out of mouth hunger more than stomach hunger - I was wolfing the crisps down so quickly, I wasn't even tasting them. Anyway, I paused and decided that I wasn't actually hungry and actually stopped eating them. I definately ate past satisfaction, but I am so proud of myself for stopping it before it became a full on binge. Don't even feel guilty (which I normally would!!) Only problem now is that I am supposed to be going out for a meal with my boyfriend tonight for Valentine's Day, and now I'm not hungry - arr well, maybe I will just have a starter - I will probably have a little hunger by then - if not, just a glass of wine - ha ha!!

Back to Work

Well back to work today (not been in the office since Wednesday). Was worried about my eating (as I mentioned earlier, I find that I overeat most at work) so I had a plan of action: -

1. Not to (under any circumstances) eat at my desk

2. Make sure that I put the food on a plate

3. Don't let myself get over hungry (sometimes find myself waiting to eat so that I can finish something and then devouring far to much because I feel starving!)

So far, so good. My colleague is on leave so I sat down at his desk to eat, (away from my colourful computer screen beckoning me to take a look). I've been hungry 3 times this morning and just ate a little every time, which is great - the more times I eat out of stomach hunger, the more practice I get. Had some fresh melon this morning and it was so sweet and juicy, at first I didn't want to eat fruit as I felt it was 'diet food' but no way - I'm starting to learn which food I love 'for the taste' as opposed to how many calories it does or doesn't have - it's so exciting!!

I'm out of the office most of the afternoon, so I must remember to take a food bag with me but all in all, a great day thus far!!

Tonight I have a salsa lesson, I just love salsa - it's so much fun and I feel very sexy and feminine when I dance it - I've not been doing it too long but I sure love to wiggle my hips. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone as a fun way to move your body.

New Jeans

I went shopping yesterday to buy some new jeans. All my others are too tight and uncomfortable, so I decided to be kind to myself and buy a pair that actually fit well. Anyway, I put them on this morning and they are so soft and comfortable, my boyfriend even commented how good I looked in the jeans (I hadn't even told him that I'd bought a new pair!) It just shows that wearing clothes that fit well, makes you look better as well as feels so much nicer. Arrrr to sit down without a tight waistband digging into my flesh - bliss!!

For the last two weeks, I have been working on loving myself and accepting myself for who I am (and what I weigh ;o) right now. Before this, I had become very down on myself and to be honest, stopped looking after myself physically - ie, not much make-up, hair scraped back, black clothes etc, etc.. So for the last fortnight, I have made an effort to look my best, using tinted body moisturiser, doing my make-up, hair styled, nails done and clothes that are fashionable and colourful. Well it's working, I feel good about myself and the way I look - I definitely feel that it's better to make the most of your appearance - it gives you confidence and a sense of feeling 'worth the time and effort'. My shower broke about a month ago and whilst I am waiting to have it fixed, I have been having baths - wow I forgot how fabulous baths are - well not the early morning rushed ones but the baths where I get to lie back and relax with a book. Absolute bliss!! Also smothering myself with gorgeous body cream when I get out - little daily indulgences - I love them!!

I'm find it hard sometimes to work out when I'm satisfied but I'm trying to leave a bit on my plate every time that I eat to break the cycle of always finishing my portion. I think I'm coping ok with legalising chocolate and crisps - but I'm struggling with legalising pork pies - it's crazy because I love chocolate - but pork pies - no big deal!! However, I bought them when shopping and now everytime I contemplate eating one, I think about the high fat content! It's madness because, honestly pork pies aren't the be all and end all to me - however, I did sometimes used to eat them when I was on a binge - so maybe that's why they are dragging up feelings for me. Well, I'll continue to buy them and try to remember - no food is good or bad.

Time off work

I've discovered that I find it much easier to eat mindfully out out of stomach hunger when I am off work. All last week, I would start the day ok, I would eat out of stomach hunger for breakfast and then I would get hungry again and go off the rails. There is nowhere to eat in my office apart from at my desk, so it's hard to concentrate on what ur eating when you have a computer flashing in ur face and all ur colleagues chatting around you. I would find myself dipping into my supplies (I have stocked up my office drawers with food) when I wasn't even hungry and eating as I am working. When I tried to stop and think why, I just couldn't do it - it's like I'd get angry at myself for even asking!!

Anyway, I was off work on friday and over the weekend. I have found it so much easier to eat out of stomach hunger, eat at my dining table and concentrate on the food. Food has tasted fabulous this last 3 days. I had some mango earlier that was so sweet and juicy. It's true that food tastes so much better when your hungry for it. Even though this is the case, why is it that I still want to devour everything in my sight a lot of the time?

I know that the approach I am taking is slowly, slowly but I find myself wanting results NOW and also applying the principles like rules, which I know is only going to make it feel like a diet. I'm very optimistic though, even if my boyfriend is not - he doesn't 'get it' at all, he actually told me off the other day for his stomach ache - he said that me filling up the house with chocolates and all sorts of food is meaning that he is eating more. He honestly is blaming me for himself overeating. To be honest, he isn't eating anymore than he usually does, he's just a little overwhelmed by all the food. I've told him that it's tough and this is how it's going to be (how many times was I on a diet, yet he still wanted a cupboard full of chocolate and crisps when we went shopping). He hinted that my new approach isn't 'working' - reading between the lines, I think he means I've put some weight on lately. I've asked him not to comment on my eating or my body (unless it's positive) and that at the moment, losing weight isn't the biggest thing for me - I am concentrating more on learning to accept myself as I am and losing my eating disorder (ie, compulsive overeating). Anyway, think it sunk in - I'm sure he means well, but to be honest, his comments aren't the least bit helpful.

Anyway I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, I have been eating only out of stomach hunger for the last few days and its feeling great. It excites me to think that I will never have to go for the 'low fat' option again when I go to a restaurant (unless of course that it what my body is craving).

Start of the Journey

Well I've decided to start a blog after reading a few other peoples who are concentrating on mindful eating. I first read about the non diet, mindful eating approach a few years ago, when I found Geneen Roth's 'Feeding the hungry heart' in a bookshop while I was on holiday in Florida. The book spoke to me like no other had before, I suppose I hadn't realised that other people binged in secret and had tried every diet under the sun to no lasting avail!! After this, I read every one of Geneen Roth's books, loved the ethos of them and started to eat in a more mindful way. To be honest, I can't remember how long I used the principles for and how long it was before I started dieting and binging again - but it happened. What I do remember is that I felt very alone with it, like I was the only person in England who was on this journey - all the workshops she did were in the US and everything I found about mindful eating seemed to be in the US also.

Anyway, after another 3 years of dieting and binging (and weighing the same, if not more), I decided to search for more books on mindful eating (deep down I knew that this was the only real way for me). Looking through Amazon, I came across 'On Food', 'Overcoming Overeating' and 'The Diet Survivor's Handbook'. I lapped these books up and then continued searching - hoping that I would find some kind of workshops around this in the UK. Anyway I came across Beyond Chocolate. It felt great to find something based in England, I booked on the multimedia course straight away (2 weeks ago now) and also booked on the non residential weekend, which starts in March - I can't wait. This blog will cover my journey in giving up diets and taking control of my life.