Break Up

Me and my boyfriend are splitting up. I don't really want to go into the details right now but it's final. I'm in a mess because we've just bought the house together and so have to sort everything out.

Because we've ripped up the carpets, peeled of all the wallpaper and knocked down a wall, we need to do a lot of work on it before we can sell it on. Good news - my appetite has gone. Bad news - I want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months when I'm over this.

Today I appreciate myself for being as strong as I can be

Tomorrow I will remind myself of the positives in my life

Thankyou

Thanks for all your comments. I'm feeling a lot better about things and have chilled out a bit on the exercise.

We went to Centre Parcs in Cumbria over the weekend - it's beautiful, you stay in cabins in the middle of a forest and it's absolutely gorgeous. We went quad biking, rock climbing and there's a fabulous water park. We had a lot of fun.

This is just a quick blog today but wanted to say thanks.

Today I appreciate myself for visualising

Tomorrow I will spend time on my reflection board

Exercise

Not blogged for a while because I've been busy decorating the house and at work etc.

I've started to go swimming with my friend in my lunch hour at work, and we've been doing 60 lengths (25 metres each) - it's been a killer but I definitely feel better for doing it. I'm trying to go about 3 times a week (been 4 times so far in the last week and half). It's good to see my friend so often and also she's been going for a while so it's easier for her - so this encourages me to push harder. The thing I like about swimming is that I don't get hot and sweaty so it doesn't feel as difficult.

Couldn't go swimming today because I'm off work and having my nails done, so I've just done an hour on my exercise bike (while watching a chat show!!). I've started to feel fitter already from increasing my exercise.

The only problem is, I've binged quite a lot over the last week. What's good though, I haven't had the 'all or nothing' approach. Usually when I binge, I don't want to exercise because I think 'What's the point? I've blown it' but I've been thinking, I want to be fitter whether or not I'm overeating.

I have to be honest, I've been trying to control what I eat a bit, i.e. trying not to eat so much junk food and therefore binging. The thing is intuitive eating hasn't been working for me either, having so much chocolate and crisps in the house is meaning that I'm eating them all the time and I have put on a LOT of weight. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not following the IE principles properly, I suppose I find it hard. The truth is I eat too much un-nutritional food - and it's effecting my health, i.e. I'm tired all the time, grumpy etc.... I like fruit and vegetables so it's not like it's hard for me to eat them, it's just that I always choose the high fat, high calorie food over them every time. I know that IE is the best way to deal with food, it's just hard. I don't want to sound like I'm whinging - 'it's hard, it's hard' . I suppose, I'm just waiting for it to click, and deep down I know it doesn't work like that. If I want something to work, I have to put effort in - and if I'm honest, I'm just not making enough effort. Any advice would be greatly appreciated right now, I really want to be able to eat intuitively and to stop obsessing with food!!

On the positive side, my boyfriends car went into the garage because the 'reverse had broken' - he's got a BMW with computerised gears, so we'd been expecting it to be really expensive. But I used the secret principles to ask and expect that it wouldn't cost much. He's just had a phone call and it's only going to be £70!! I'm so happy.

We're going to Cumbria for the weekend, I can't wait, it will be so nice to relax for a few days and enjoy each others company.

Today I appreciate myself for being honest and asking for help

Tomorrow I will start to read one of my books on IE to refresh the principles

Sugar, flowers and my car

My boyfriend bought me these flowers yesterday!! Aren't they gorgeous - they smell devine!! He's lovely!!

I got my car back today - YEY!! It's so cool to have a car again, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want!!!

I was reading bliss and beauty's blog and she has decided to experiment with eliminating sugar out of her diet for a week because she's noticed that she has more energy without it. So after reading that, I decided I would try it because I have been so tired recently (and I eat a hell of a lot of sugar!!) Anyway, yesterday I didn't eat sugar and felt good this morning but today I NEEDED chocolate - ha ha - so I think I may try it some days and keep a diary of how I am feeling. I definately feel a lack of energy recently so it will be good to experiment.

Today I appreciate myself for eating chocolate because I really wanted it

Tomorrow I will try to eliminate sugar

Law of Attraction

Having a great day!!!

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about being charged £3400 for my car being fixed - I basically just couldn't afford this and told the guy, but he wasn't backing down. Anyway I used the points from 'the secret' which was basically believing that I'd get my car back easily, imagining myself in my car, trusting that everything would be okay. Well I wrote the guy a letter last week saying that I was happy to pay £1500 as this was the last price that I agreed to and this morning he phoned me up and reluctantly agreed. So YES I'm getting my car back!! Woo hoo!! I've been using my boyfriends now and again but it's horrible not having the complete freedom of your own car!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Today I appreciate myself for trusting that everything would be OK with my car

Tomorrow I will be more present while I eat

Silence in Blog World

I've noticed that blog world seems to be pretty quiet at the moment, I assume that the British Bloggers will be silent due to spending time in the sunshine and away from the computer but I've got to say I'm missing reading up on everyone. So please, please keep writing xx

Also does anyone know what happened to Beakerella's blog? It seems to have disappeared

- it's a shame because I loved reading what she was up to. You feel like you know someone when you read their blog and it's sad because I just want to know that's she's OK.

I'm good, I emailed a couple of girls from school the other day to see what they're up to now. There was a large group of us who were very very close at school but I went to a different college and lost touch. They both replied but it made me quite sad that most of them still see each other a lot and have continued the friendship. I'm not sure why really because I love my life, I love my friends and if I hadn't gone to another college, my life would be completely different. I suppose sometimes reminiscing just makes us sad.

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'Love Whispers', it's got a similar theme to the secret but concentrates more on God, I'm really enjoying it and would definitely recommend it - I read half of it lay in the sun in the garden on Saturday.

Today I appreciate myself for concentrating on the positive things in my life

Tomorrow I will eat more intuitively

3 km

Things got sorted with my boyfriend. He chose not to dwell on what happened on the promise that if I had any further communication with my ex, I would tell him about it. I spoke to my ex and explained so I doubt we will have contact anymore anyway. I suppose it's probably a good thing that this happened because it's made me think about how lying is just stupid. I know that my boyfriend is probably still hurting but he's hiding it very well.

Yesterday my lovely boyfriend went shopping and came home with a pair of running trainers and a pink running top for me. The trainers are Nike running and they're white, pink and silver and I absolutely love them. I was jogging in tennis trainers before and my calves were absolutely killing but yesterday I wore them when we went out for a jog and they were so much better.

I logged the route on www.26point2.co.uk (thankyou Alice for telling me about the fabulous site) and worked out that I had jogged 3km. I was knackered but I have definately built up because last time I only did 2km and stopped to walk about 6 times, this time I did 3 km and stopped to walk only twice (and literally only for a minute each time).

Also I went bellydancing last night, it was a lot of fun again - the class is a workout enough to get you warm doing it but not knackered - I think it's very sexy. The woman who teaches it makes you feel very confident about being a women (whatever your size).

I'm also really excited. We've bought some solid oak flooring for the living room, dining room and hall of our house. It's absolutely beautiful and we're going to start to put it down this weekend. When we moved into the house, we ripped the carpets up straight away (they were disgusting) so since then (10 weeks ago), we've been living on concrete floor downstairs. It's cold and looks horrible so I can't wait for the gorgous new floor to be put down.

I have ANOTHER 3000 word essay due in for University next thursday. I'm studying Social Work part-time but it's hard work when you also work full time too and are decorating a house and have a life!! Ok I know MOAN MOAN MOAN. To be honest, I hate writing essays - I love lectures and training etc but essays are just a pain in the butt. I am always last minute too - I haven't even started yet but have taken wednesday off work to do it.

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought is 'I love my life' - it was such a great buzz to wake up in such a great mood. I think exercising more is definately helping my emotions.

Food wise, I am still overeating (and overeating a lot of junk!!). There's a lot of the Intuative Eating Principles that I am not following, i.e. stocking up, eating without distraction, stopping when I'm satisfied, eating when I'm hungry (I'm also eating when I'm not hungry!!) However, what I definately have found is that I'm not overeating as much as I used to. For example, I am not having full on binges and also I am not as obsessed with food. But I have noticed that I'm thinking about dieting a lot, I think its because the summer weather means skimpy clothes and right now I'm about a size 18 and 14 stone (196lbs) and don't feel nice bearing flesh. Also I find that I get hot and flustered and uncomfortable in the heat (definately more so as I've put weight on). But I'm not going to dwell on that because I'm having a great day today and I'm beautiful whatever size I am.

Today I appreciate myself for enjoying life and realising how great mine is

Tomorrow I will incorporate the Intuative Eating principles more into my day

Man Troubles

I have been really stupid!!

I still chat with my ex from time to time, my boyfriend doesn't really like it and he stopped talking to his exes for me as I wasn't comfortable with it. Double standards I hear you cry!! Anyway to make matters worse I have my ex under a girls name in my mobile phone. Why?? Well I suppose it's because I didn't want my boyfriend worrying about me talking to him when there really isn't anything in it. However, yesterday my ex phoned - I ignored it because my boyfriend was there!! Why?? Again, I suppose not to worry him. Well, my boyfriend knew that something was strange about this and started asking loads of questions, I lied and lied but I'm a terrible liar and he just didn't believe me, so in the end I admitted the truth. The fact is that NOTHING is going on, but I realise that all my lying has just made matters so much worse. I have never seen my boyfriend so wound up or hurt - he's completely lost trust in me and I don't blame him. Why have I been so f**king stupid?? (sorry about the swearing but I feel like I need to right now!!) I don't know what to do!! He keeps imagining things happening that aren't and in his head, all sorts is going on. (I know that I would be 100 times worse if I was in his position). I wish I had been honest or not even spoken to my ex - but I suppose that there is no going back on that now. I hate the fact that I've let him down. Will he ever trust me again?? I hate liars (and now I a great big one).

After we argued, he went out for a run - I thought I better give him some space so didn't go with him. Instead I did 25 minutes on my exercise bike - to be honest, I think it is exactly what I needed - exercise can help you clear your mind a bit.

Anyway, feeling guilty like this didn't cause me to overeat (which is great) - however, I did drink half a bottle of wine and 2 cans of beer (I don't even really like beer). We were awake half the night going over and over the same things - I am so tired!!

Today I appreciate myself for realising I am wrong and not overeating

Tomorrow I will eat one meal without distraction

Lovely Weekend

I went jogging again on saturday morning but for some reason, I found it a lot harder - my calf muscles felt really tight and they were hurting a lot as I ran. My boyfriend ran off ahead of me (we were jogging around a really big field) - he did 3 laps to my 2. I think I maybe also run better when somebody is next to me as I am less likely to stop. I'll make sure that I stretch more before I go next time.

Had a very strong 'I'm going to diet' moment this weekend, I think I've put more weight on and last night as I was getting ready to go out, I felt huge!! Anyway it soon passed. I'm not really following the IE principles apart from 'eat what you want' so that is my next task - i.e. only eat when I'm hungry (well most of the time).

Today I appreciate myself for having a really lovely day with my boyfriend

Tomorrow I will eat when I'm hungry

Belly Dancing!!

Me and my boyfriend didn't go jogging on wednesday evening. He was knackered when he came home from work and to be honest, I didn't really feel like it. I've realised that I exercise a LOT better in the mornings. I'm a morning person!! However, last night I went bellydancing, it was a lot of fun. I went with my friend and we were laughing the whole time calling each other Shakira. It killed 2 birds (or even 3) with one stone as I want to exercise more, I love dancing and I don't see much of my friend anymore, so it's a great way to see her every week.

Today I appreciate myself for making an effort with my appearance

This weekend I will go jogging again

Jogging

I went jogging yesterday with my boyfriend. We'd talked about going for a couple of weeks and never got round to it. I was nervous about going because I haven't exercised much for months and my boyfriend has a manual job so he is pretty fit. Anyway, we went and I really enjoyed it. I jogged until I was out of breath, walked until I got my breath back and then jogged again. My boyfriend walked when I walked (I think he was glad of the rest too - ha ha). I enjoyed it more than I have ever enjoyed jogging before. In the past, I would push myself to run for a set period of time and completely exhaust myself - resulting in me aching like crazy for days and not wanting to go again. This way is so much more fun.

We hoping to go again on wednesday evening (as long as my boyfriend doesn't get home too late from work). I'm aching a little bit today, but not too bad. I'm definately looking forward to going again.

Food wise, I'm still not practicing intuative eating completely, but I can recognise that I am making progress. My binges have dramatically decreased and I'm not thinking about food every 5 minutes (it's every 10 minutes instead now). I'm feeling positive about myself too, learning to love myself as I am now and noticing that I am making changes which is great. Plus, I haven't dieted for months which is probably the longest ever since I was 12.

Today I appreciate myself for being optimistic

Tomorrow I will go jogging again

TFI Friday

Check out this website - it show's three feel good film clips. It's cool.

I know I said that I would blog again on wednesday but I didn't - tut tut!! I was busy busy all day at work and too tired to use the internet at home - so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it - lol!!

I'm trying to work hard on my confidence at the moment and enjoying life right now. I've realised that I completely place my happiness on whether I am slim or not, and that is completely ridiculous. Always thinking 'why should I have fun, I'm too fat!!'. Anyway, I'm sick of feeling that way so I've decided to enjoy life and enjoy being me RIGHT NOW and to be honest I'm feeling pretty damn good.

Yesterday the mechanic phoned (my car has been in for repair for 3.5 months) to tell me that my car is finished and the bill is £3500 (yes that's right £3500 or USA $7000 or Austrailian $8500). My Car is only worth about £4000 - £4500 so it's absolutely ridiculous!! Last update he told me it was going to be about £1500 - which is so much as it is, but £3500 - it's complete craziness!! Anyway I've phoned the Citizen's Advice and perhaps I can argue paying that much (Frankly I haven't got it and have no way of getting that kind of money) and my boyfriend is going to go down and speak to the guy this afternoon. However, I'm not going to let it get to me too much, I'm thinking positively and everything will be ok and get sorted - I'm sure of it!!

The sun is shining in Manchester so I'm a happy bunny and it's BANK HOLIDAY so 3 days off work for me - yey!!

Today I appreciate myself for being positive

Tomorrow I will move my body

I'm Back!!

I've not blogged for a while, not sure why, just haven't seemed to have much time!! I'm good - things seem to be going well in all areas of my life. Today I got my results for my essays - 63% and 68% - I am really really pleased. I can't actually quite believe it because I didn't put much time or effort into either of them. It just shows that if I try harder then I'll get pretty excellent marks!!

I'm concentrating on the aspects of 'the secret' which means that I am feeling so much more positive about everything and I am also noticing that great things are happening to me: -

- I got offered a free weeks holiday to Centre Parks in Cumbria (somebody had pulled out)

- My essay grades were great

- I won £10 on the lottery

- I went out last Saturday night & had 2 different people come up to me & tell me I'm beautiful

Eating wise, I'm not binging as such, however, I am not following the beyond chocolate principles so I am grazing a lot and definately overeating. I'm going to start doing my Multi-media course over again to help me make steps little by little!!

I'm going to Jamaica in November and I keep thinking to myself 'Mmmm 6 months, if I really tried by then I could lose 3.5 stone'. I know, I know - not good - my plan is to have a great acceptance of my body by then and to be finding the BC principles are coming easier (whatever my shape!!)

Anyway I hope everybody is well

Today I appreciate myself for not finishing off the chips I had just because they were there

Tomorrow I will blog again

The Secret

I watched the film 'The Secret' on Tuesday. I had heard a lot about it and really wanted to see the film. Anyway I discovered that I could pay (about £2.50) to watch it online. The website is www.thesecret.tv for anyone interested. Anyway, it was fantastic - I would reccommend it to anyone. It's about the 'law of attraction' and basically how if you stay in a positive state and believe that you will get what you want, then these things will be attracted to you. I think I'm going to buy the DVD so that I can watch it again and again. It's a really 'feel good' film so I know that I'd watch it regularly.

I'm feeling good. I'm going to watch 'Lionel Richie' tonight. I can't wait - the oldies are the best.

Today I appreciate myself for being really positive

Tomorrow I will move my body

Essay done - Hallelujah!!

I'VE FINISHED MY ESSAY - YEY!! It's like a weight off my shoulders - why don't I just do them on time?? Next time, I'll get it done on time~(did I mention that I have two 3000 word essays due in in 8 weeks!!) Anyway enough Uni - I've had enough!!

I've been overeating loads, think I can probably put it down to worrying about my Uni work so hopefully I'll be able to get things together again soon.

Short and sweet today because the weather is too nice to be sat in on the computer - LOL.

Today I appreciate myself for getting my essay in

Tomorrow I will eat when I'm hungry

Overeating

I've been overeating the last couple of days, think it's because of a few reasons: -

- being unsatisfied with how my relationship is at the moment

- worrying about still not doing my essay (yet not making any effort to start)

- feeling insecure about the way I look

Since we've moved house, my boyfriend and I don't seem to be as loving as we were. We spend less time going out, cuddling up or making effort with each other. I keep putting it down to the fact that I've put on weight and that he probably doesn't fancy me. I know that this is silly and that what is much more likely is the fact that we've moved house, have so much to do and are totally stressed and busy with it all.

Sometimes I get frustrated because my relationship isn't wonderful. It's not a bad relationship, it's just not perfect. I've found throughout my life that I expect my relationships to pretty much be without problems. When things aren't as great as I expect them to be, I give up and get out. My current relationship is my longest yet - I usually make it to about the 1 year mark. I wonder if that means that I'll always be searching instead of putting more effort into what I already have. (And I do love my boyfriend very much). I suppose I'm stubborn, I feel - 'Why should I put effort in when he doesn't seem to?'. My boyfriend seems more settled with things, if he is frustrated, he doesn't show it. I think he is happy to just get on with things. I want passion, excitement, deep conversations and strong lust. Settled and getting on with things just isn't me. I've spoken to friends about this previously and they advice me to make an effort etc.. but what I want is to be adored - for him to make an effort with me. Am I being selfish?? I don't know - probably. I want big love - BIG MOVIE LOVE!!

Anyway I've eaten too much - without putting it on a plate or eating it mindfully - HOWEVER, I stopped before it became one of my usual full on binges. I don't feel overlly full (defiantely full but no to the point where it hurts). So this is definately progress. In fact, writing this has made me feel more positive. I love how I am kinder to myself in so many ways since I have started eating intuatively.

Today I appreciate myself for writing my blog when I wanted to curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself

Tomorrow I will eat exactly what I want and put it on a plate

Pampering Myself

I'm going out tonight with people from work, it's one of the girls birthdays, she's hired a room in a swanky wine bar and apparently there is about 100 people going. Anyway I've bought a new dress, it's pink and summery and utterly lovely. I've had false eyelashes put on (I just love falseys), painted my nails and toenails a lovely pink colour and fake tanned. I feel great!! Honestly, when I spend time on myself I feel fabulous for doing it - I should do this more often definately.

My Chocolate Tasting Box came today - Ive had 2 of the chocs and they were lush!! I'm hiding them away from my boyf though because he's a chocoholic and would scoff them all down in one sitting without REALLY TASTING them!! Ha ha - I feel naughty but more for me - woo hoo!!

Last night we were supposed to get a curry but my boyfriend was messing about working on the house and I was getting more and more hungry (I was hungry for curry!!) Anyway it eventually got to 11.30pm and I exploded - I was so hungry and mad with him for not hurrying up that I started crying - I was crying out of hunger!! In the end, I yelled at him and put a pizza in the oven - I only ate half of it (I suppose because it's not what I really wanted) but I am proud of myself for not binging (I have often done this in the past when I get this hungry!!) Even though I was starving, I ate slowly and mindfully.

Today I appreciate myself for taking time with my appearance

Tomorrow I will tune in

Eventually Got Moving

Well I didn't write one word of my essay - I am so bad!! But I did exercise, I hula hooped. I'm not particularly good at it but it's fun and I'm getting better.

Today I also did 20 minutes of a hip-hop dance DVD called 'Phat Moves', I love dancing and that was a lot of fun. I can't believe how unfit I have got though, I lose my breath so much easier than I used to but of course this will improve as I move more.

I overate yesterday, think it was out of boredom and frustration, however, I stopped myself before I got to the overfull point. I feel good about this, little things seem to be clicking into place. I've noticed that I'm drinking a lot of wine though (I love red wine!! Mmmm mmmm Lush) The thing is though, my boyfriend and I seem to be drinking a bottle between us every other night, sometimes more :o\ I'm going to lay off it a bit, I know it's good for you but not that much - lol!!

Today I appreciate myself for dancing

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating!! I took the day off work today to write my essay (due in last Thursday but I got a weeks sick note from the Dr - so now this Thursday). I can't seem to start - instead I am surfing the net and even contemplating exercising!! I have this hula hoop and DVD set which I haven't used yet (I always enjoy exercise DVDs more on the first time you use them) so I think maybe I'll have a go of that - exercise might clear my mind ready for study!!

Thanks Alice for your kind offer of staying at your place on the Sunday night, I'm going to speak to work tomorrow and see if I can get the Monday off - if so, that would be great. Which airport is better to use - Gatwick or Heathrow??

My boyfriend's cousin is a fitness instructor - my boyfriend was talking to him and apparently he said that he'd come round and demonstrate some exercises etc.. I was like 'cool so is he going to do us an exercise package' - my boyfriend said, 'not me, you'. I was like 'Oh'. He wasn't being mean or anything but then I got to thinking - has he been talking to his cousin about me putting on weight or something?? It could be completely innocent - like my boyfriend already knows what exercises to do so his cousin will show me - we've been talking for ages about getting fitter. I don't know - I'm not upset, just interested about it!! Last night, we had a great night - curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine - really affectionate - it was great.

Eating wise - IE is going really well right now - I made fish, potatoes and peas for dinner last night - it was really simply and I was really hungry so it tasted great!! I didn't leave room for desert so I sat back whilst my boyfriend scoffed chocolate sponge pudding - I wasn't even tempted by it. I felt truly satisfied!!

This morning I stood in front of the mirror in my underwear and looked at myself. My plan was to look with a neutral eye and notice things without judgement. I looked at my stomach and noticed how it curves out, I looked at the smooth lines down my side and I looked at the way my bottom pops out at the top of my legs. I didn't feel disgusted (as has often been the case lately) - I actually felt quite pleased. My body is so interesting (everybody's is) and to look at it without judgement about weight, fat etc. is a completely different experience. I think I'll keep up with this, it's definitely helped me to feel better about myself today.

Today I appreciate myself for looking at my body in a positive way

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Mmmmm Chocolate

I've just had a Brandy Truffle, I sucked it very slowly and it was absolutely bloody gorgeous!! I'm waiting for a box of 'Hotel Chocolat' truffles to arrive (I've joined the chocolate tasting club - mmm mmm delicious!!). Anyway, I just couldn't wait, so popped to Thornton's to buy a box of Continental to keep me going in the meantime. I love eating just one chocolate and feeling satisfied!! There's times when I can eat 20 bars of chocolate and still not be satisfied (obviously I'm eating for emotional reasons at those times) but today I just ate one single truffle and that was enough!! This feels like freedom, I hope I get more instances like this - that it will get easier and easier and eventually food won't rule my life!! It's hard to imagine a life not thinking about food or my weight, what would I think about? I'm sure there are plenty, much more interesting subjects I could concentrate on - ooh it's exciting!!

I'm a bit worried about getting to the Beyond Chocolate Tea Party. My train doesn't arrive in Euston until 1.30pm and then I have to get to London Bridge - so won't arrive until 2pm :o( The earlier train would mean leaving at 6.30am and arriving far too early so that's no good. I have contemplated driving but it's a really long way to go there and back in one day. I'm thinking about getting there for 2pm - it just seems a lot of travelling (8 hours) to only spend 3.5 hours there!! Not sure what I'm going to do - sometimes I wish I lived closer to London, it seems that everything goes on down there!! Lol

I tidied and cleaned all the downstairs of my house yesterday, it was very dusty and dirty because we'd knocked an inner wall down but now it's lovely- I've got to admit, I get a really satisfied feeling when the house is sparkling clean.

Today I appreciate myself for eating one chocolate and feeling utterly satisfied

Tomorrow I will be positive about the way I look

Tea Party and Jealousy

I snapped my boyfriends head off on the phone last night, think I was feeling insecure about putting on weight and ended up getting jealous (over something and nothing!!). Since we've moved house, all our energy goes into the house and I feel like we aren't making enough time to just concentrate on each other. I've spoken to him about it and he agrees, so hopefully things will improve. I hate feeling insecure - it's really shitty - confidence definitely suits me better - ha ha!!

Food wise, I've been eating more intuitively and enjoying it. I feel powerful and more in control of my life when I eat this way. It's almost a high!! I'm still struggling to 'Move' but I'm not going to push myself too hard as I know that I will probably rebel and binge!! I'm going to give the house a good clean later though so that will be something.

I'm going to go to the Beyond Chocolate Tea Party - does anyone know what time you are all meeting at London Bridge?? - I need to book my train ticket xx

Today I appreciate myself for stopping when I felt satisfied

Tomorrow I will take a break during eating to check my satiety levels

Ireland

I am in Ireland this weekend, staying with family. Staying at this house reminds me of food and eating - I suppose I have the strong link with this because I spend Christmas here (and Christmas to me means FOOD and lots of it!!) I have broken so many diets at this house, this usually happens on Christmas Eve and I don't stop eating until the 2nd or 3rd of January. One year I was at Slimming World and when I came back, I had put 9lbs on in a week!!

I weighed myself this morning - the scales were in the bathroom and I was too tempted not to. I haven't weighed myself for months and the last time I did, I weighed 12 stone 7lbs. Anyway the scales this morning said just under 14 stone. I can't say I am heartbroken because I would have guessed that I'd put that much weight on, but then I got to thinking - when I met my boyfriend, I was 11 stone (this was only 18 months ago) - I have put 3 stone on since meeting him - that's a stone every 6 months!! How utterly depressing!! In reality, does he still fancy me?? I honestly doubt he looks at me in the same way - I know he loves me and all that but I would probably be dissapointed if he lost his big muscles (I just love them!!)

Anyway, there is no use crying over spilt milk and to be honest, it's more important for me to lose my obsession with food that it is for me to lose weight (losing weight comes a very close second though - haha) I have been re-reading 'Beyond Chocolate' and it is helping me to focus again on eating intuitively. I still overate at lunch today but I'm not stuffed and I don't feel like eating now, which is great. I know that this approach is going to work for me and to be honest I CAN'T WAIT until it is second nature. I wish it was easier, but then life without challenge is no life at all!!

Today I appreciate myself for stepping on the scales without this leading to a binge

Tomorrow I will move (still not actually got round to this!!)

Poached Egg and Optimism

I woke up this morning and felt optimistic!! Last night I cried - not loads and loads but enough so the tears flowed and my nose ran a little bit. I then dreamt about myself in a positive way (not exactly sure what the dream was - but I vaguely remember it was a happy one). Anyway I knew that today I'd be able to eat intuitively. Firstly I had a bowl of oat cereal, which I sat down and ate slowly - it was delicious!! Then (now this is the piste de resistance) I had poached egg on toast for my lunch - it was AMAZING!! I never seem to be able to cook a poached egg properly so I looked up tips on the Internet and it was - perfect!! I sat down, ate it slowly and enjoyed it more than any egg I have eaten before!! I feel great right now!!

Why is it that some days, things just seem to flow, eating intuitively seems easy and I feel optimistic?? Nothing has changed since yesterday, I look the same, my essay is still due in today although I haven't written a word of it and I'm still living in a building site - but hey, I FEEL FABULOUS!!

Today I appreciate myself for eating intuitively

Tomorrow I will make time to Move

Bingingng AGAIN!!

I ordered 4 large bars of quality chocolate from the Internet and they arrived this morning - They were all gone by 7pm - every piece eaten - did I eat them mindfully I hear you ask! NO NO NO - what a waste of absolutely delicious chocolate - over £10 worth of chocolate stuffed in like I'm a waste bin. May I add I've also eaten a teacake dripping with butter, 4 packets of crisps and a large sandwich!! And I STILL want to eat!! Why oh why??

OK, here goes, I'll try to understand why. I'm very down on the way I look at the moment, I wake up feeling fat and unattractive and it sets the mood for the day - where oh where has my confidence gone?? I used to look in the mirror and feel gorgeous - now I look in the mirror and feel frumpy, old (I'm only 27 for Christs sake) and fat fat fat!! I know this is just a mindset that I need to snap out of - I'm just finding it so hard right now. Because of this, I am feeling insecure about my relationship, we're very busy at the moment and I suppose not as lovey dovey as we used to be - I just can't imagine my boyfriend feeling like he's a lucky man right now.

My essay is due in and I haven't put pen to paper!! I have the day off tomorrow, in which I'm planning on starting it - it's just the thought of getting it going is overwhelming.

I am living in a bombsite, every room of this house is in a state of disgrace. We are sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The kitchen has plaster hanging off the walls and the living room has no carpet and the most disgusting fire place you have ever seen.

I've stopped dancing and feel guilty about this, although I can't motivate to start again. Also, I seem to have cut myself off from my friends, like I can't be bothered speaking to them or socialising. Am I hiding away from life??

I want to read my IE books and book on body confidence etc but I can't seem to push myself to do it - plus I feel guilty for not spending my time studying!!

OK - enough moaning - lets get realistic!!

OK, so I've put on weight! I am not the biggest I've ever been. I still have beautiful eyes, good legs and nice hair. I am intelligent, I am funny, I have a good job, I live in a house that I have been dreaming about living in for months, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who loves me, I have great friends and family, I have a healthy body without ailments and I had my nails done today!! He he - sometimes you just have to look at the positives to feel a bit better.

Today I appreciate myself for looking at why I may be binging

Tomorrow I will go back to week one of the Beyond Chocolate Multimedia course and complete the exercises

Organisation

I feel like I need to take organisation of my life. I have a 3000 word essay due in Uni on Thursday and I haven't written 1 word (or even looked at a book!!) I've had about 8 weeks to do it, so I have NO EXCUSES whatsoever. I know that I use food to distract me, to procrastinate, to stop thinking about what I should be doing - it's crazy!!

I keep avoiding eating intuitively too, not sure why - think I want to use food. The problem is, I have put on so much weight and it's really getting me down. I think accepting yourself is a lot easier when you know that you are applying the principles and eating consciously etc - however, I'm not - so I just feel down on myself for overeating - it's pissing me off!!

Summer's coming now and the clothes are getting more and more skimpy - however, I don't want to show off my arms or my legs to be honest, because I'm feeling frumpy!! I so so so want to stop using food for comfort, but it's like I can't - it's all I know and I HATE IT!! I'm feeling a bit insecure about my boyfriend too - like will he be checking out all the slim girls in their skimpy clothes and wishing he had a girlfriend like that? I'm also worried that he'll be embarrassed about me in front of his friends - crazy really because he isn't shallow or anything - it's just that I was a size 12 when I met him (so that's obviously what he was attracted to!!)

I want to be really confident about myself, to wear clothes that I love etc.. It just seems that clothes aren't as comfortable when you're bigger (even the one's that fit). Plus I find wearing high heels more uncomfortable now - MOAN MOAN MOAN!! Ha ha - I have to laugh at myself but I am feeling pretty shitty about the way I look and the fact that I'm eating far too much (i.e. when I'm not hungry!!) Think I will start to write a journal again, look at what I'm feeling and when.

I've also booked a Doctor's appointment for Friday (to get a backdated sick note for Uni - naughty I know but it will give me a weeks grace!!)

Also, I have been trying to join the peaches and cream forum - I have been invited by Brooke and Kiera but I fill in the form and it's not joining me for some reason - please help someone - I feel like I'm missing out :o(

Today I appreciate myself for noticing how I'm feeling and making plans for what I should do

Tomorrow I will write a journal and tune in

Models and Singers

Been sat watching MTV today - not a good idea if you're feeling low about the way you look!! The women on the videos are all so slim and beautiful - I know, I know - a lot of it is make-up and great lighting etc - but still, I feel absolutely frumpy ;o( I wish they showed more beautiful big women to show a more truthful representation of society!

I haven't been following the Beyond Chocolate principles for a couple of weeks, it's as if I can't be bothered to motivate myself to make the effort!! On the plus side, I haven't binged as often as I would have thought but I am definately overeating. Any tips on motivating myself to get started again??

Today I appreciate myself for knocking tiles off the wall (instead of laying around ALL day watching daytime TV

Tomorrow I will make the effort to only eat when I'm hungry

Disorganisation

I feel like I am living in complete squalor at the moment, the house is like a bomb site and because of this, I feel all messed up myself. I'm very excited about getting the house done up but it will be a slow process as we don't have much money. In the meantime, it's very very messy and unorganised!!

Today I binged - cheap chocolate and crisps!! The chocolate tasted gritty and horrible - why oh why?? The fridge arrived today, apparently we can't use it for 12 hours though - I can't wait to stock it up with yummy foods. I am absolutely FED UP with take-aways (although not cooking has been a welcome change).

I seem to have no energy at the moment, I'm tired all the time. I'm not doing any sort of exercise and I know that this makes me more lazy. The thing is, it is a bit of a vicious cycle and because I'm so tired all the time, I don't want to exercise!! Right now, I feel like I need a kick up the arse to get my life sorted!!

On the positive side, my boyfriend and I have been getting on really well since we moved. He is a completely different man, much more enthusiastic about doing things round the house and generally much more pleasant to be around

Today I appreciate myself for taking time to write my blog

Tomorrow I will take time to tune in

Moved House

Hi everyone. So we eventually moved house - yey!! Friday was so hard, we hired a van and moved ourselves (just the 2 of us). When we arrived at the new house, we walked in and the smell hit us - it STUNK!! So we pulled up all the carpets (most of the smell was coming from them we think and they were stained and horrible!!) We then unloaded the van and then loaded it back up with all the old carpets. We started working at 8.3o and finished at 10pm (without a break) - I was knackered and STARVING!! Anyway we got a kebab each and I can honestly say it was delicious - we washed it down with champagne - kebab and champagne - how absolutely fabulous!!

I am still aching now from the move, I have muscles I didn't know I had and my joints are sore and aching!! The house needs A LOT of work. Every room is in need of modernising - it's going to be a long time before it's finished but when it is - it will be beautiful!! I'm excited at getting things started though - we're starting with the kitchen (one room at a time).

Food wise, we haven't got a fridge right now (stupidly we left the last one at the old house - thinking we'd get a new one straight away - but it looks like it's going to be next weekend before we get one - in the meantime, we're living off take-away or crappy cupboard food!! I think we're going to get one of those big double American Style fridges with the ice dispensers on them, I love them but my boyfriend isn't decided yet (he thinks it may be a little too big) - At least we'll have cold milk though!! I'm dying to have some breakfast cereal!!

Anyway gotta go, still not unpacked most of the stuff and need to finsish giving everywhere a good clean still.

Today I appreciate myself for moving by working around the house

Tomorrow I will concentrate on accepting myself more

Stress Stress Stress

Not written much lately because I've been busy with moving house etc. I finding it very stressful - packing up boxes, sorting out change of addresses, dismantling things!! Been arguing lots with my fella but I suppose that's to be expected. Food wise, I have overeaten quite a lot - sometimes I think it is just to take my mind of the move!!

Today I appreciate myself for being so effiecient at packing, organising etc.

Tomorrow I will try to de-stress by relaxing a little over things

TFI Friday

Hello All. Today I'm feeling pretty good - not sure why, just do - so that's ok with me. Food wise, I haven't overeaten today and haven't had the urge to binge (maybe because I'm feeling contented ?!?). I'm definately glad that it's friday and I'm looking forward to a nice weekend off (sometimes I work weekends - but not this one - yey!!). I didn't manage to do much exercise yesterday (as planned) but I did spend a about 2 hours packing boxes and lugging them downstairs (so perhaps I could count that as moving - lol!!)

xxx

Today I appreciate myself for having a positive outlook

Tomorrow I will not binge, if I want to overeat, I'll put it on a plate and eat it slowly

Contracts Exchanged!!

Thank you for the replies I got to my post yesterday. I feel much better about it now. He spoke to her (the ex) yesterday and she apparently apologised - so I'm over it. Like you said, he turned her down so I should be feeling less insecure really.

My fella is working in London now until Friday, so when he comes back, I'll make an effort with sex, perhaps just making an effort will make me feel more sexy - we'll see.

Anyway - GOOD NEWS!! Yesterday the contracts were exchanged for both selling my house and buying the new one. We will now definitely be moving on 30th March. I can relax now and get things sorted for the move. I've noticed that I'm putting a lot on 'when we move'. i.e. I'll start exercising 'when we move', I'll concentrate more on intuitive eating 'when we move', I'll make more of an effort with sex 'when we move', I'll concentrate more on loving myself 'when we move' etc. etc. I suppose it makes a bit of sense because my head is filled with sorting things out for the new house at the moment but I suppose I've got to realise that a new house doesn't mean a new life - ha ha

Today I appreciate myself for looking in the mirror and feeling attractive this morning

Tomorrow I will make time to move my body

Bloody Exe's

My boyfriends mobile went off last night when he was in the shower and I looked at it, anyway, it was a text from his colleague, but I noticed he had a few texts from his daughters Mum and I looked at them (have never done this before but found myself curious!!). Anyway, she asked him for sex. I looked at his replies and he gently rebuffed her but I was so PISSED OFF!! They haven't been together for 11 years (his daughter is 13) and she knows that we are living together and buying a house. I've met her and to be honest was never jealous of their relationship but now I feel so pissed off!! I told him that I'd read the texts and he said that she does this now and again, like every 6 months - and he knows how to handle it. I was pissed off with him too though, it's inappropriate and he should tell her firmly that he doesn't want her sending messages like that. Anyway, we argued and he's said that he'll speak to her today about it! I've been quite aware that she'd get back with him if she could but to ask him for sex, it's ridiculous!! She sent one text saying that he's the only man that ever did it for her!! She needs to move on and find herself a new boyfriend. - like get over it - it's been 11 years!! I would never embarrass myself like that, but hey, I suppose I'm different.

Anyhow, this has made me feel more and more insecure, she's very slim and I suddenly thought what if he does want someone slimmer (when he met me I was a size 12 and he was obviously attracted to me then). Because I've put so much weight on, I feel like a blob and unattractive to him. (he's a good looking guy with a great body). At the moment. we're not having much sex. When we've talked about it, he says that it's probably to do with the stress of moving house but it's definately effecting my self esteem. I just don't feel sexy anymore!! Neither of us is initiating sex (well never me - it's not that I don't want it, it's just that I don't feel like he'd want me). It's crazy really because I know he loves me and we are very tactile - cuddling and kissing all the time - it's just the bloody sex thing. And now these texts from his Ex - I just feel 10 times worse.

I wish I could just accept myself like this, there are plenty of beautiful women my size who feel sexy and look great. I just can't seem to get my head round being positive with myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated xx

Nights out and holidays

Well Saturday night was a bit of a failure, my friend very quickly became very, very drunk and I had to basically carry her home!! The next day, she realised that she had only eaten a packet of crisps all day (Oh if only I could go all day forgetting to eat - ha ha!!) She was so ill, she actually slept with her head over the toilet!!

The house STILL isn't sorted, phoned up my solicitors and the estate agents today - trying to nag my way to get things moving but they obviously don't see it as such a priority!!

Had a lovely day at my boyfriends parents yesterday, his 2 year old niece was there and she is an absolute pleasure to be around - I was dancing and playing with her for hours - it was so much fun (and meant I got to move about doing something I love!!) Also went to my Mums in the evening to drop off her flowers and card. It was really nice to see her too, I don't see her as much as I used to as she has a boyfriend who I don't like very much (I usually get on with her boyfriends - ha ha - just wanted to explain that I'm not just being spoilt). Since she has been going out with him, we don't spend as much time together, we're still very close but it's definitely not the same. I suppose I should make more effort really!!

I overate this morning and then wasn't hungry at lunch so didn't have anything. However, by the time I was leaving work, I was getting really, really hungry - when I actually got to my house (nearly an hour later), I was famished!! I went straight to the kitchen and devoured 4 packets of crisps and about 10 biscuits (not eaten on a plate or mindfully may I add!!). OK, what have I learnt from this?? I have learnt - NOT TO GET THAT HUNGRY!! I put that in bold to remind myself - ha ha.

Just booked a holiday to Jamaica with my boyfriend. We're not going until November but it's something to look forward to and I can't wait!! I love Jamaica, it's so beautiful and fun!! I have to admit, I worked out the number of weeks until I go, and then tried to work out how much I'd weigh if I lost a pound a week until then. But then I thought STOP!! No more diets!! This will be the first time I go on holiday without dieting like crazy beforehand so that I feel half decent in my swimwear. It's scary but exhilarating!! xx

Today I appreciate myself for looking at why I ended up overeating.

Tomorrow I will be kind to myself about the way I look.

Packing Up

I've spent the day clearing under my stairs and throwing lots away or packing up what I am going to take when I move house. The move isn't sorted yet but whatever happens, I am going to move out on the 30th because I don't want to lose my sale. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work so that he can help me do a tip run (or three).

I can't believe how much stuff I have actually collected over the years and just thrown under the stairs!! Anyway I love the fact that it's empty now - I feel de-cluttered in myself - it's quite amazing!!

Ate breakfast mindfully without distractions but lunch I was watching American Idol and didn't want to turn it off (so didn't!!) - however, I did eat mindfully and have found that I didn't overeat so that's great!!

I'm really looking forward to going out tonight, I'm feeling positive about the way I'll look in my new dress and I always have fun when I go out with this friend, I'm going to dance, dance, dance - that ticks the 'Move' box for today ;o)

Today I appreciate myself for seeing myself as beautiful

Tomorrow I will take time to tune in

New Clothes

Had a rest day from work and went shopping today to buy some new clothes: - 2 tunic dresses, 2 pretty shirts, a sleeveless top and a smock top. Some were bigger sizes than I wanted to buy but I got home and cut the labels out. On the bright side, they all fit perfectly and now I have a nice selection of clothes that I can wear. My boyfriend did point out that 3 of them are mostly black (i.e. they are patterned with black and other colours) but at least they are not fully black and contain some bright colours.

The house move is still delayed - it was supposed to be sorted either yesterday or today but still no avail. I'm sick of it to be honest!!

I'm going out with my friend tomorrow night, I am really looking forward to it as I haven't been out since before christmas (mainly due to the fact that I have put so much weight on and didn't want to). Anyway I'm going to bite the bullet and wear one of my new dresses that I look nice in! My friend who I am going out with has lost a lot of weight recently and I've got to say she looks great (she looked great anyway but now she is glowing with confidence) - I have to admit that I am feeling jealous, especially since I've put so much weight on - I just don't feel as attractive anymore. On the plus side though, I haven't felt as out of control or tearful as I've been in the past. Although I still binge, it is not to the same extent and I don't beat myself up about it as much - I used to cry and cry and cry (and that was when I was a size 12).

Today I appreciate myself for buying new clothes in a bigger size

Tomorrow I will sit down and eat my food on a plate without distractions

Clothes Clothes Clothes

Decided today to sort out my wardrobe. I ended up either packing away or giving to charity 95% of my clothes!! I am left with a very small selection of black numbers - really it's very depressing!! I also packed and threw away a number of pairs of knickers (really there is nothing worse for me than knickers that are too tight - even if the other clothes that you are wearing fit perfectly, small knickers can ruin your whole feel to the outfit).

I decided to go shopping and buy some new knickers and a few bright colourful tops that fit well!! I bought the knickers and then went to try on some tops - I picked up size 16 (I recently have gone up to a size 16) and went to try them on but none of them fit properly and I left feeling depressed!! In hind sight, I should have tried the 18's but I was feeling self defeated and fat so left feeling even more miserable!! Tomorrow, I am attempting again and this time I will definately find some clothes that fit well (I'll cut out the tags afterwards so that I won't keep thinking about it).

Food wise, I have definately overeaten today but not full on binged, I feel that this is a start for me and hey - I'm trying to concentrate on one thing at a time - today was my clothing.

Following Ki's and Leesa's lead, I am going to mention what I appreciate myself for today: -

I appreciate myself for having the courage to sort out my clothes

Tomorrow : - I will buy some clothes that are colourful and fit me well xx

Help!!

Well I'm having a pretty shitty day. This morning I looked in my wardrobe to pick out an outfit and realised that 95% of my clothes are too small!! I eventually picked out something that I feel frumpy in - great start to the day!! I know I need to buy new clothes!!

Got to work and had loads of shit thrown at me - I'm at Uni on thursday and on a rest day friday so it HAD to be done today!!

Was supposed to do a home visit but got stuck in bad bad traffic and was too late. Ended up going to Sainsbury's to buy tonights dinner. While I was there, I thought I would try some clothes on - picked up some size 16's and went to the changing rooms - TOO TIGHT!!! I felt like crying but instead bought a big bag of kettle chips and a large chocolate bar!! Binged on these and then came home and ate my dinner along with over half a bottle of wine!! Feeling pretty drunk now, fat fat fat and depressed. PLUS my boyfriend has just come down (he was upstairs watching footy) and seen me writing this blog!! This means he will probably start reading it now - GREAT!!

Wish I could just be like 'ok I binged, no problem, I'm stressed and needed to at that moment' but instead I'm feeling like I am so huge and unattractive!! I don't want to even see people I haven't seen for a while because I'm sure they'll be shocked at how much weight I've put on!! I know that I'll be ok, it's just right now I'm feeling crappy :o( xx

Workshop

Well the weekend was wonderful - there was a group of 6 participants and 3 facilitators (9 altogether). Sophie took most of the workshop but Audrey and another lady also participated in delivery. We talked about our stories and went through each of the BC principles one by one, throughout were various exercises giving us chance to think about how things effect us individually etc.. One exercise that we did a few times was 'Tuning In' - when the book and e-course had asked me to tune in, to be honest the thought of it didn't appeal to me at all, I couldn't be bothered stopping to ask myself 'what's going on for me right now?'. However, at the workshop, we went round on by one and first described something physical, i.e. - I can feel my arm pressing on the chair or I can feel a burning sensation in my stomach. We then went round again and each of us said how we felt emotionally, i.e I am feeling anxious or I am feeling excited. Finally we went round and each said a thought we had, i.e, I am thinking what a nice dress that is or I am wondering if my sister got home ok last night etc etc. Tuning in this way was a lot more fun for me and I could see how effective it is at realising how you are feeling throughout the day. Since the workshop, I am finding it much easier to do it!!

The food at the workshop was OUT OF THIS WORLD - honestly it was so delicious. Apparently, there was a place nearby to the office the provides the food and it really was so so tasty!! All in all the weekend was brilliant, the support makes such a difference. I saw on the forum that people are keen to set up support groups and I think this is a great idea. I live in the Manchester Area and there are quite a few of us round here I think, so a support group would be perfect for me.

I'm still excited about the weekend, but I had terrible news this morning!! We are supposed to be moving house on friday but the people selling to us have now said that they can't do friday as they haven't sorted out anywhere to go!! I'm w0rried that I will lose my buyer now as they aren't prepared to give a date in which they can go (they're supposed to be moving into rented until their new house is ready!!) I've had a mini binge today, but I allowed myself to do it, In fact it was a decision I made - I knew I was feeling crappy about the house, so I allowed myself to overeat (chocolate and toffee). I feel ok about it and I didn't eat half as much as I would have in the past so I'm happy with myself.

Fabulous Weekend

What a wonderful, fabulous, fantastic weekend. The workshop was so interesting, informative, fun, deep. I honestly cannot say enough good things about it!!

The biggest message that came across to me was, not to worry if things don't go exactly how you plan - I suppose being a lifetime dieter, I always followed every rule to the tee (until I gave up and binged for England - ha ha). Now I see that it is ok to binge, in fact it is probable that I will and this is just part of the journey. I'm so excited about it all. This is short and sweet because I am sooooooooooooooooo busy at work, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy happy happy xx

Happy Mondays

I made up with my boyfriend, I just couldn't be bothered staying mad anymore. Being mad makes me too sad and the truth is I really do love him so much, even if he is a unthoughtful bugger sometimes!! To be honest, he's been really good since, taking me out, giving me massages, helping more round the house etc. etc. So I'll just forgive and forget this time.

Signed the papers for moving house today, exchange should be on Friday but I'm panicking that the buyer is going to pull out or that something is going to go wrong!! I know there is no point worrying, it's just that our last buyer pulled out last minute and we were heartbroken, so that's still fresh in my mind!!

I still haven't been shopping to stock up, feels like I just haven't had time, but that's probably not true, I should make time!!

Tried on some shorts on saturday that were loose 3 months ago, now they are so tight (like spray on!! Ha ha). To be honest, I took it quite well, I haven't been weighing myself but I knew I'd put weight on, suppose it's a bit dissapointing when it's so much though - argh well, I'm still gorgeous - LOL!!

I can't wait to move house (hopefully it will be a week on friday), I kind of feel like that will be a fresh start and I'll be ready to really concentrate on my Intuative Eating - right now everything is in the air. IE is constantly on my mind but I can't seem to get myself to do it right now - the good thing though is that I am not even contemplating dieting (what's the point??) xx

Feeling Better

Feeling much better today, I told my boyfriend to go and stay at his parents house last night, and I went round to my Mums with my sister and a friend. We drank wine and ate Pizza, salad and chocolate (birthday) cake. I love spending time with my Mum and sis, so it was great and when I woke up this morning, I felt 100 times better.

Last night, my boyfriend was asking if he could take me somewhere tonight, i.e go for a meal, a few drinks and stay in a hotel somewhere nice. I didn't give him an answer, still not sure if I want to spend time with him right now but we'll see. I don't want to make rash decisions because of a reaction to one event, however, I do need time to think about what is best for me. Being single is so much more scary for me at this weight, I know that's silly but it's how I feel. I'm a serial monogamist, I have never been out of a relationship since I was about 19, I jump from one to another and often they overlap. My Mum is the same way, I suppose it never really gives us time to reflect on what we really want. However, I know me, if I come out of this relationship, I will be in another one before I know it, plus I really do love him (the incosiderate bastard!! Excuse my language).

Breakfast for me today was doritos, cherry pie and ice-cream and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (x 5). Obviously, although I am feeling better, I am still eating for emotional reasons. To be honest, I wanted something savory, but there is nothing in the house that I fancied (I haven't been shopping for a week and a half). I really need to stock up - now that's definately on my to do list this weekend xx

Birthday Blues!!

I had a really shitty birthday. Well that's unfair, I went to see my friends new baby, which I really enjoyed, she is lovely. But when I got home (about 6.45pm), my boyfriend was in the bath and shouted out to me, "Where have you been, I wanted to take you for a meal tonight?", he then asked if I'd phone up 'Le Petit Blanc' and book it. So I did, anyway, when he got out of the bath, I asked him where my card was and HE HADN'T GOT ME ONE!!!! No card, no present and he couldn't even be arsed booking the restaurant himself!!! I told him to stick the meal up his arse (bit my nose off to spite my face a little bit there). I can't believe he didn't even get me a card!! We're supposed to be signing the papers next week to buy a house together, and I am seriously considering whether this is a good idea. I feel so let down and insignificant to him. He is all apologetic now, with excuses galore (not one of them valid!!), the thing is, we have only been together 18 months, so what is it going to be like in 5 years??

I've told him how I'm feeling and that I need to think things through, but my head is in a spin completely. The thing his, he has let me down before, he's always sorry and I always forgive him but then he does it again. If I keep forgiving him, he will keep letting me down (expecting me to forgive him). I'm completely lost what to do, part of me wonders if I should cut my losses and walk away before I commit to buying the house, yet, another part of me loves him to bits and doesn't want to be without him. I feel so confused at the moment. My eating is all over the place, I either can't eat a thing or I am binging like mad - but to be honest, that's not worrying me at the moment.

Birthday!!

Well it's my birthday today!! I'm 27 and suddenly feel so old (I know, I know - 27 isn't old), it's just that compared to 26, it feels much closer to 30!! I've noticed lately that my life has changed so much. Most of my friends have had babies and my social life seems to have taken a plummet! I used to be a real party girl, going out loads and socialising with my friends. It seems lately that I've lost that and it makes me sad. My boyfriend (who's 35) goes out more than me now and to be honest, that gets on my nerves. When I first met him, I was out about two times a week plus going Salsa dancing but now I only seem to go salsa dancing once a week and that's it. I've found myself blaming my weight for the change in my situation, when I met my boyfriend, a year and a half ago, I was a size 12 (having been on some starvation diet or other) and anyway, as always happens, I put weight back on and now I'm a size 16. I spend a lot of time wondering if it matters to him, of course, he denies it if I ask him and never makes negative comments, yet, I don't feel that he swoons after me anymore either. I've started reading 'Body Confidence', which so far is great - I love her ideas and the way she comes across. I truly believe that people who feel they are beautiful look more beautiful, their confidence shines through (regardless of their body size) and I know that when I am having a confident day, I look great. It's just sometimes it's hard to feel that way when you feel anything but!!

Not sure what I'm doing tonight, I'm hoping my boyfriend has organised to take me out or something, it was his birthday on Monday and I took him to watch 'The Producers' starring Peter Kay at the theatre and then for a meal. To be honest, organising things isn't his forte but my fingers are firmly crossed.

Eating wise, I'm not eating intuitively right now, but I feel that there is probably a good reason for this and I'm going to ride it out until we move house (in approximately 1 month). The good news is that I am not binging too often and I'm managing pretty well at not beating myself up about it when I do. Still really looking forward to the Beyond Chocolate Workshop next weekend in London (but not the drive down there - LOL) xx

New Day

Woke up this morning wanting a fresh start, so took a nice long bath and smothered myself with lovely cream - Styled my hair, put on a bright red top (and shoes to match) and generally on the whole feel loads better. I still want to eat, eat, eat, but right now I am able to hold of a little. My friend had a baby on Tuesday so I am going to see her and her little girl - I can't wait!! I love babies.

I've ordered the book 'body confidence' after hearing so many good reviews on it in the Beyond Chocolate Forum - I'm really looking forward to getting it because my self esteem regarding the way I look is really low at the moment. It's crazy because last week when I was eating mindfully, I felt great and now because I am finding it hard not to overeat, I feel crap about myself. It's a vicious circle really but I know that I must take things slow and one step at a time.

Can't wait until the Beyond Chocolate Weekend in 2 weeks, it should be great. I think a whole weekend concentrating on mindful eating is just what I need. Right now, I am constantly distracted with moving house and basically other things I don't need to worry about!! I'm a worrier - ha ha - it serves absolutely no purpose!!

Still binging

Right now, I still can't seem to stop myself overeating. I hadn't been shopping for nearly 2 weeks, so thought this was probably effecting things too (I overeat when my supplies dwindle) - so last night, I went to the supermarket and STOCKED UP!! However, on the way home, my car completely broke down!! I had to get the AA out to tow me home (it was 11pm at night so I was stuck on my own at the side of the road in the dark!!) A local garage picked it up today and it's going to be expensive!! Thing is, I could kick myself because I knew it was running funny the last week, but I didn't take it to the garage!!

So today, I have been eating and eating again!! I'm feeling crappy too because I know I have put weight on and I'm bigger than I've been in ages!! I know what I need to do (ie, read my books, tune in, keep a journal etc etc), I just can't seem to do it!! I notice that when I get in this state (I call it a binge state), I can't be bothered doing anything - eg, tidying the house, doing anything fun, making an effort with the way I look etc!! I know this will pass, but I'm just finding things really hard at the moment

Binging Galore!!

Well, Valentine's Evening, my boyfriend got home at about 7pm (definite last minute after work rush to buy me flowers!! Lol) Anyway, he was filthy (he's a sprinkler engineer) so needed to take a bath (shower still not working). By the time, he got out of the bath, it was too late to go out for something to eat, so we ordered a take away. For some reason, I just wanted to binge binge binge - so did!! I ate loads of my supplies and then the take away!!


Yesterday, I was the same all day - just eating and eating - I couldn't even stop myself to ask myself why!! Last night, I lay on the sofa in absolute pain, my stomach felt like it was going to explode!! Like my skin was trying to stretch to fit in all I'd eaten, but it couldn't!! I tried not to beat myself up about it, but I was so mad for getting that full!!

This morning, I woke up and tried not to get angry with myself, but to be honest I'm feeling very down and unattractive. I haven't made much effort in my appearance for the last two days and I don't seem to want to write in my journal (or on this blog to be honest, I'm kind of pushing myself to write this as I know it will probably help!!). I've spent all this morning eating out of mouth hunger and I mean eating (I must have had enough chocolate for 10 people!!)

Possibilities about why I wanted to eat so much: -

• Dissapointment about not going out Valentine's night (although that didn't seem a big deal at the time)
• Knowing that my boyfriend did a last minute dash to buy me flowers and a card (again not a big deal but maybe it would have been nice to know that he'd thought about it before 5pm!!)
• Stress about moving house (I'm currently in the process of moving house but everything seems to be going very slow and we have already had it all fall through once)
• Guilty feelings about not studying enough for Uni (I am doing a part-time degree in Social Work)
• Since then, negative thoughts towards myself

I would really appreciate any advice people could give me to get through this time, I know it will be temporary (and I haven't thought about dieting once - so that is definately an improvement!!)

Eating in the car

On the way home from work today I felt hungry, so got a small bar of dark chocolate out of my bag and ate it while driving. I sucked it slowly but of course, you can't really concentrate on eating whilst you are driving!! When I got home, I still felt a bit hungry and started eating Kettle Chips - by this point, I think I had started to eat out of mouth hunger more than stomach hunger - I was wolfing the crisps down so quickly, I wasn't even tasting them. Anyway, I paused and decided that I wasn't actually hungry and actually stopped eating them. I definately ate past satisfaction, but I am so proud of myself for stopping it before it became a full on binge. Don't even feel guilty (which I normally would!!) Only problem now is that I am supposed to be going out for a meal with my boyfriend tonight for Valentine's Day, and now I'm not hungry - arr well, maybe I will just have a starter - I will probably have a little hunger by then - if not, just a glass of wine - ha ha!!

Back to Work

Well back to work today (not been in the office since Wednesday). Was worried about my eating (as I mentioned earlier, I find that I overeat most at work) so I had a plan of action: -

1. Not to (under any circumstances) eat at my desk

2. Make sure that I put the food on a plate

3. Don't let myself get over hungry (sometimes find myself waiting to eat so that I can finish something and then devouring far to much because I feel starving!)

So far, so good. My colleague is on leave so I sat down at his desk to eat, (away from my colourful computer screen beckoning me to take a look). I've been hungry 3 times this morning and just ate a little every time, which is great - the more times I eat out of stomach hunger, the more practice I get. Had some fresh melon this morning and it was so sweet and juicy, at first I didn't want to eat fruit as I felt it was 'diet food' but no way - I'm starting to learn which food I love 'for the taste' as opposed to how many calories it does or doesn't have - it's so exciting!!

I'm out of the office most of the afternoon, so I must remember to take a food bag with me but all in all, a great day thus far!!

Tonight I have a salsa lesson, I just love salsa - it's so much fun and I feel very sexy and feminine when I dance it - I've not been doing it too long but I sure love to wiggle my hips. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone as a fun way to move your body.

New Jeans

I went shopping yesterday to buy some new jeans. All my others are too tight and uncomfortable, so I decided to be kind to myself and buy a pair that actually fit well. Anyway, I put them on this morning and they are so soft and comfortable, my boyfriend even commented how good I looked in the jeans (I hadn't even told him that I'd bought a new pair!) It just shows that wearing clothes that fit well, makes you look better as well as feels so much nicer. Arrrr to sit down without a tight waistband digging into my flesh - bliss!!

For the last two weeks, I have been working on loving myself and accepting myself for who I am (and what I weigh ;o) right now. Before this, I had become very down on myself and to be honest, stopped looking after myself physically - ie, not much make-up, hair scraped back, black clothes etc, etc.. So for the last fortnight, I have made an effort to look my best, using tinted body moisturiser, doing my make-up, hair styled, nails done and clothes that are fashionable and colourful. Well it's working, I feel good about myself and the way I look - I definitely feel that it's better to make the most of your appearance - it gives you confidence and a sense of feeling 'worth the time and effort'. My shower broke about a month ago and whilst I am waiting to have it fixed, I have been having baths - wow I forgot how fabulous baths are - well not the early morning rushed ones but the baths where I get to lie back and relax with a book. Absolute bliss!! Also smothering myself with gorgeous body cream when I get out - little daily indulgences - I love them!!

I'm find it hard sometimes to work out when I'm satisfied but I'm trying to leave a bit on my plate every time that I eat to break the cycle of always finishing my portion. I think I'm coping ok with legalising chocolate and crisps - but I'm struggling with legalising pork pies - it's crazy because I love chocolate - but pork pies - no big deal!! However, I bought them when shopping and now everytime I contemplate eating one, I think about the high fat content! It's madness because, honestly pork pies aren't the be all and end all to me - however, I did sometimes used to eat them when I was on a binge - so maybe that's why they are dragging up feelings for me. Well, I'll continue to buy them and try to remember - no food is good or bad.

Time off work

I've discovered that I find it much easier to eat mindfully out out of stomach hunger when I am off work. All last week, I would start the day ok, I would eat out of stomach hunger for breakfast and then I would get hungry again and go off the rails. There is nowhere to eat in my office apart from at my desk, so it's hard to concentrate on what ur eating when you have a computer flashing in ur face and all ur colleagues chatting around you. I would find myself dipping into my supplies (I have stocked up my office drawers with food) when I wasn't even hungry and eating as I am working. When I tried to stop and think why, I just couldn't do it - it's like I'd get angry at myself for even asking!!

Anyway, I was off work on friday and over the weekend. I have found it so much easier to eat out of stomach hunger, eat at my dining table and concentrate on the food. Food has tasted fabulous this last 3 days. I had some mango earlier that was so sweet and juicy. It's true that food tastes so much better when your hungry for it. Even though this is the case, why is it that I still want to devour everything in my sight a lot of the time?

I know that the approach I am taking is slowly, slowly but I find myself wanting results NOW and also applying the principles like rules, which I know is only going to make it feel like a diet. I'm very optimistic though, even if my boyfriend is not - he doesn't 'get it' at all, he actually told me off the other day for his stomach ache - he said that me filling up the house with chocolates and all sorts of food is meaning that he is eating more. He honestly is blaming me for himself overeating. To be honest, he isn't eating anymore than he usually does, he's just a little overwhelmed by all the food. I've told him that it's tough and this is how it's going to be (how many times was I on a diet, yet he still wanted a cupboard full of chocolate and crisps when we went shopping). He hinted that my new approach isn't 'working' - reading between the lines, I think he means I've put some weight on lately. I've asked him not to comment on my eating or my body (unless it's positive) and that at the moment, losing weight isn't the biggest thing for me - I am concentrating more on learning to accept myself as I am and losing my eating disorder (ie, compulsive overeating). Anyway, think it sunk in - I'm sure he means well, but to be honest, his comments aren't the least bit helpful.

Anyway I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, I have been eating only out of stomach hunger for the last few days and its feeling great. It excites me to think that I will never have to go for the 'low fat' option again when I go to a restaurant (unless of course that it what my body is craving).

Start of the Journey

Well I've decided to start a blog after reading a few other peoples who are concentrating on mindful eating. I first read about the non diet, mindful eating approach a few years ago, when I found Geneen Roth's 'Feeding the hungry heart' in a bookshop while I was on holiday in Florida. The book spoke to me like no other had before, I suppose I hadn't realised that other people binged in secret and had tried every diet under the sun to no lasting avail!! After this, I read every one of Geneen Roth's books, loved the ethos of them and started to eat in a more mindful way. To be honest, I can't remember how long I used the principles for and how long it was before I started dieting and binging again - but it happened. What I do remember is that I felt very alone with it, like I was the only person in England who was on this journey - all the workshops she did were in the US and everything I found about mindful eating seemed to be in the US also.

Anyway, after another 3 years of dieting and binging (and weighing the same, if not more), I decided to search for more books on mindful eating (deep down I knew that this was the only real way for me). Looking through Amazon, I came across 'On Food', 'Overcoming Overeating' and 'The Diet Survivor's Handbook'. I lapped these books up and then continued searching - hoping that I would find some kind of workshops around this in the UK. Anyway I came across Beyond Chocolate. It felt great to find something based in England, I booked on the multimedia course straight away (2 weeks ago now) and also booked on the non residential weekend, which starts in March - I can't wait. This blog will cover my journey in giving up diets and taking control of my life.