Pampering Myself

I'm going out tonight with people from work, it's one of the girls birthdays, she's hired a room in a swanky wine bar and apparently there is about 100 people going. Anyway I've bought a new dress, it's pink and summery and utterly lovely. I've had false eyelashes put on (I just love falseys), painted my nails and toenails a lovely pink colour and fake tanned. I feel great!! Honestly, when I spend time on myself I feel fabulous for doing it - I should do this more often definately.

My Chocolate Tasting Box came today - Ive had 2 of the chocs and they were lush!! I'm hiding them away from my boyf though because he's a chocoholic and would scoff them all down in one sitting without REALLY TASTING them!! Ha ha - I feel naughty but more for me - woo hoo!!

Last night we were supposed to get a curry but my boyfriend was messing about working on the house and I was getting more and more hungry (I was hungry for curry!!) Anyway it eventually got to 11.30pm and I exploded - I was so hungry and mad with him for not hurrying up that I started crying - I was crying out of hunger!! In the end, I yelled at him and put a pizza in the oven - I only ate half of it (I suppose because it's not what I really wanted) but I am proud of myself for not binging (I have often done this in the past when I get this hungry!!) Even though I was starving, I ate slowly and mindfully.

Today I appreciate myself for taking time with my appearance

Tomorrow I will tune in

Eventually Got Moving

Well I didn't write one word of my essay - I am so bad!! But I did exercise, I hula hooped. I'm not particularly good at it but it's fun and I'm getting better.

Today I also did 20 minutes of a hip-hop dance DVD called 'Phat Moves', I love dancing and that was a lot of fun. I can't believe how unfit I have got though, I lose my breath so much easier than I used to but of course this will improve as I move more.

I overate yesterday, think it was out of boredom and frustration, however, I stopped myself before I got to the overfull point. I feel good about this, little things seem to be clicking into place. I've noticed that I'm drinking a lot of wine though (I love red wine!! Mmmm mmmm Lush) The thing is though, my boyfriend and I seem to be drinking a bottle between us every other night, sometimes more :o\ I'm going to lay off it a bit, I know it's good for you but not that much - lol!!

Today I appreciate myself for dancing

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating!! I took the day off work today to write my essay (due in last Thursday but I got a weeks sick note from the Dr - so now this Thursday). I can't seem to start - instead I am surfing the net and even contemplating exercising!! I have this hula hoop and DVD set which I haven't used yet (I always enjoy exercise DVDs more on the first time you use them) so I think maybe I'll have a go of that - exercise might clear my mind ready for study!!

Thanks Alice for your kind offer of staying at your place on the Sunday night, I'm going to speak to work tomorrow and see if I can get the Monday off - if so, that would be great. Which airport is better to use - Gatwick or Heathrow??

My boyfriend's cousin is a fitness instructor - my boyfriend was talking to him and apparently he said that he'd come round and demonstrate some exercises etc.. I was like 'cool so is he going to do us an exercise package' - my boyfriend said, 'not me, you'. I was like 'Oh'. He wasn't being mean or anything but then I got to thinking - has he been talking to his cousin about me putting on weight or something?? It could be completely innocent - like my boyfriend already knows what exercises to do so his cousin will show me - we've been talking for ages about getting fitter. I don't know - I'm not upset, just interested about it!! Last night, we had a great night - curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine - really affectionate - it was great.

Eating wise - IE is going really well right now - I made fish, potatoes and peas for dinner last night - it was really simply and I was really hungry so it tasted great!! I didn't leave room for desert so I sat back whilst my boyfriend scoffed chocolate sponge pudding - I wasn't even tempted by it. I felt truly satisfied!!

This morning I stood in front of the mirror in my underwear and looked at myself. My plan was to look with a neutral eye and notice things without judgement. I looked at my stomach and noticed how it curves out, I looked at the smooth lines down my side and I looked at the way my bottom pops out at the top of my legs. I didn't feel disgusted (as has often been the case lately) - I actually felt quite pleased. My body is so interesting (everybody's is) and to look at it without judgement about weight, fat etc. is a completely different experience. I think I'll keep up with this, it's definitely helped me to feel better about myself today.

Today I appreciate myself for looking at my body in a positive way

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Mmmmm Chocolate

I've just had a Brandy Truffle, I sucked it very slowly and it was absolutely bloody gorgeous!! I'm waiting for a box of 'Hotel Chocolat' truffles to arrive (I've joined the chocolate tasting club - mmm mmm delicious!!). Anyway, I just couldn't wait, so popped to Thornton's to buy a box of Continental to keep me going in the meantime. I love eating just one chocolate and feeling satisfied!! There's times when I can eat 20 bars of chocolate and still not be satisfied (obviously I'm eating for emotional reasons at those times) but today I just ate one single truffle and that was enough!! This feels like freedom, I hope I get more instances like this - that it will get easier and easier and eventually food won't rule my life!! It's hard to imagine a life not thinking about food or my weight, what would I think about? I'm sure there are plenty, much more interesting subjects I could concentrate on - ooh it's exciting!!

I'm a bit worried about getting to the Beyond Chocolate Tea Party. My train doesn't arrive in Euston until 1.30pm and then I have to get to London Bridge - so won't arrive until 2pm :o( The earlier train would mean leaving at 6.30am and arriving far too early so that's no good. I have contemplated driving but it's a really long way to go there and back in one day. I'm thinking about getting there for 2pm - it just seems a lot of travelling (8 hours) to only spend 3.5 hours there!! Not sure what I'm going to do - sometimes I wish I lived closer to London, it seems that everything goes on down there!! Lol

I tidied and cleaned all the downstairs of my house yesterday, it was very dusty and dirty because we'd knocked an inner wall down but now it's lovely- I've got to admit, I get a really satisfied feeling when the house is sparkling clean.

Today I appreciate myself for eating one chocolate and feeling utterly satisfied

Tomorrow I will be positive about the way I look

Tea Party and Jealousy

I snapped my boyfriends head off on the phone last night, think I was feeling insecure about putting on weight and ended up getting jealous (over something and nothing!!). Since we've moved house, all our energy goes into the house and I feel like we aren't making enough time to just concentrate on each other. I've spoken to him about it and he agrees, so hopefully things will improve. I hate feeling insecure - it's really shitty - confidence definitely suits me better - ha ha!!

Food wise, I've been eating more intuitively and enjoying it. I feel powerful and more in control of my life when I eat this way. It's almost a high!! I'm still struggling to 'Move' but I'm not going to push myself too hard as I know that I will probably rebel and binge!! I'm going to give the house a good clean later though so that will be something.

I'm going to go to the Beyond Chocolate Tea Party - does anyone know what time you are all meeting at London Bridge?? - I need to book my train ticket xx

Today I appreciate myself for stopping when I felt satisfied

Tomorrow I will take a break during eating to check my satiety levels

Ireland

I am in Ireland this weekend, staying with family. Staying at this house reminds me of food and eating - I suppose I have the strong link with this because I spend Christmas here (and Christmas to me means FOOD and lots of it!!) I have broken so many diets at this house, this usually happens on Christmas Eve and I don't stop eating until the 2nd or 3rd of January. One year I was at Slimming World and when I came back, I had put 9lbs on in a week!!

I weighed myself this morning - the scales were in the bathroom and I was too tempted not to. I haven't weighed myself for months and the last time I did, I weighed 12 stone 7lbs. Anyway the scales this morning said just under 14 stone. I can't say I am heartbroken because I would have guessed that I'd put that much weight on, but then I got to thinking - when I met my boyfriend, I was 11 stone (this was only 18 months ago) - I have put 3 stone on since meeting him - that's a stone every 6 months!! How utterly depressing!! In reality, does he still fancy me?? I honestly doubt he looks at me in the same way - I know he loves me and all that but I would probably be dissapointed if he lost his big muscles (I just love them!!)

Anyway, there is no use crying over spilt milk and to be honest, it's more important for me to lose my obsession with food that it is for me to lose weight (losing weight comes a very close second though - haha) I have been re-reading 'Beyond Chocolate' and it is helping me to focus again on eating intuitively. I still overate at lunch today but I'm not stuffed and I don't feel like eating now, which is great. I know that this approach is going to work for me and to be honest I CAN'T WAIT until it is second nature. I wish it was easier, but then life without challenge is no life at all!!

Today I appreciate myself for stepping on the scales without this leading to a binge

Tomorrow I will move (still not actually got round to this!!)

Poached Egg and Optimism

I woke up this morning and felt optimistic!! Last night I cried - not loads and loads but enough so the tears flowed and my nose ran a little bit. I then dreamt about myself in a positive way (not exactly sure what the dream was - but I vaguely remember it was a happy one). Anyway I knew that today I'd be able to eat intuitively. Firstly I had a bowl of oat cereal, which I sat down and ate slowly - it was delicious!! Then (now this is the piste de resistance) I had poached egg on toast for my lunch - it was AMAZING!! I never seem to be able to cook a poached egg properly so I looked up tips on the Internet and it was - perfect!! I sat down, ate it slowly and enjoyed it more than any egg I have eaten before!! I feel great right now!!

Why is it that some days, things just seem to flow, eating intuitively seems easy and I feel optimistic?? Nothing has changed since yesterday, I look the same, my essay is still due in today although I haven't written a word of it and I'm still living in a building site - but hey, I FEEL FABULOUS!!

Today I appreciate myself for eating intuitively

Tomorrow I will make time to Move

Bingingng AGAIN!!

I ordered 4 large bars of quality chocolate from the Internet and they arrived this morning - They were all gone by 7pm - every piece eaten - did I eat them mindfully I hear you ask! NO NO NO - what a waste of absolutely delicious chocolate - over £10 worth of chocolate stuffed in like I'm a waste bin. May I add I've also eaten a teacake dripping with butter, 4 packets of crisps and a large sandwich!! And I STILL want to eat!! Why oh why??

OK, here goes, I'll try to understand why. I'm very down on the way I look at the moment, I wake up feeling fat and unattractive and it sets the mood for the day - where oh where has my confidence gone?? I used to look in the mirror and feel gorgeous - now I look in the mirror and feel frumpy, old (I'm only 27 for Christs sake) and fat fat fat!! I know this is just a mindset that I need to snap out of - I'm just finding it so hard right now. Because of this, I am feeling insecure about my relationship, we're very busy at the moment and I suppose not as lovey dovey as we used to be - I just can't imagine my boyfriend feeling like he's a lucky man right now.

My essay is due in and I haven't put pen to paper!! I have the day off tomorrow, in which I'm planning on starting it - it's just the thought of getting it going is overwhelming.

I am living in a bombsite, every room of this house is in a state of disgrace. We are sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The kitchen has plaster hanging off the walls and the living room has no carpet and the most disgusting fire place you have ever seen.

I've stopped dancing and feel guilty about this, although I can't motivate to start again. Also, I seem to have cut myself off from my friends, like I can't be bothered speaking to them or socialising. Am I hiding away from life??

I want to read my IE books and book on body confidence etc but I can't seem to push myself to do it - plus I feel guilty for not spending my time studying!!

OK - enough moaning - lets get realistic!!

OK, so I've put on weight! I am not the biggest I've ever been. I still have beautiful eyes, good legs and nice hair. I am intelligent, I am funny, I have a good job, I live in a house that I have been dreaming about living in for months, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who loves me, I have great friends and family, I have a healthy body without ailments and I had my nails done today!! He he - sometimes you just have to look at the positives to feel a bit better.

Today I appreciate myself for looking at why I may be binging

Tomorrow I will go back to week one of the Beyond Chocolate Multimedia course and complete the exercises

Organisation

I feel like I need to take organisation of my life. I have a 3000 word essay due in Uni on Thursday and I haven't written 1 word (or even looked at a book!!) I've had about 8 weeks to do it, so I have NO EXCUSES whatsoever. I know that I use food to distract me, to procrastinate, to stop thinking about what I should be doing - it's crazy!!

I keep avoiding eating intuitively too, not sure why - think I want to use food. The problem is, I have put on so much weight and it's really getting me down. I think accepting yourself is a lot easier when you know that you are applying the principles and eating consciously etc - however, I'm not - so I just feel down on myself for overeating - it's pissing me off!!

Summer's coming now and the clothes are getting more and more skimpy - however, I don't want to show off my arms or my legs to be honest, because I'm feeling frumpy!! I so so so want to stop using food for comfort, but it's like I can't - it's all I know and I HATE IT!! I'm feeling a bit insecure about my boyfriend too - like will he be checking out all the slim girls in their skimpy clothes and wishing he had a girlfriend like that? I'm also worried that he'll be embarrassed about me in front of his friends - crazy really because he isn't shallow or anything - it's just that I was a size 12 when I met him (so that's obviously what he was attracted to!!)

I want to be really confident about myself, to wear clothes that I love etc.. It just seems that clothes aren't as comfortable when you're bigger (even the one's that fit). Plus I find wearing high heels more uncomfortable now - MOAN MOAN MOAN!! Ha ha - I have to laugh at myself but I am feeling pretty shitty about the way I look and the fact that I'm eating far too much (i.e. when I'm not hungry!!) Think I will start to write a journal again, look at what I'm feeling and when.

I've also booked a Doctor's appointment for Friday (to get a backdated sick note for Uni - naughty I know but it will give me a weeks grace!!)

Also, I have been trying to join the peaches and cream forum - I have been invited by Brooke and Kiera but I fill in the form and it's not joining me for some reason - please help someone - I feel like I'm missing out :o(

Today I appreciate myself for noticing how I'm feeling and making plans for what I should do

Tomorrow I will write a journal and tune in

Models and Singers

Been sat watching MTV today - not a good idea if you're feeling low about the way you look!! The women on the videos are all so slim and beautiful - I know, I know - a lot of it is make-up and great lighting etc - but still, I feel absolutely frumpy ;o( I wish they showed more beautiful big women to show a more truthful representation of society!

I haven't been following the Beyond Chocolate principles for a couple of weeks, it's as if I can't be bothered to motivate myself to make the effort!! On the plus side, I haven't binged as often as I would have thought but I am definately overeating. Any tips on motivating myself to get started again??

Today I appreciate myself for knocking tiles off the wall (instead of laying around ALL day watching daytime TV

Tomorrow I will make the effort to only eat when I'm hungry

Disorganisation

I feel like I am living in complete squalor at the moment, the house is like a bomb site and because of this, I feel all messed up myself. I'm very excited about getting the house done up but it will be a slow process as we don't have much money. In the meantime, it's very very messy and unorganised!!

Today I binged - cheap chocolate and crisps!! The chocolate tasted gritty and horrible - why oh why?? The fridge arrived today, apparently we can't use it for 12 hours though - I can't wait to stock it up with yummy foods. I am absolutely FED UP with take-aways (although not cooking has been a welcome change).

I seem to have no energy at the moment, I'm tired all the time. I'm not doing any sort of exercise and I know that this makes me more lazy. The thing is, it is a bit of a vicious cycle and because I'm so tired all the time, I don't want to exercise!! Right now, I feel like I need a kick up the arse to get my life sorted!!

On the positive side, my boyfriend and I have been getting on really well since we moved. He is a completely different man, much more enthusiastic about doing things round the house and generally much more pleasant to be around

Today I appreciate myself for taking time to write my blog

Tomorrow I will take time to tune in

Moved House

Hi everyone. So we eventually moved house - yey!! Friday was so hard, we hired a van and moved ourselves (just the 2 of us). When we arrived at the new house, we walked in and the smell hit us - it STUNK!! So we pulled up all the carpets (most of the smell was coming from them we think and they were stained and horrible!!) We then unloaded the van and then loaded it back up with all the old carpets. We started working at 8.3o and finished at 10pm (without a break) - I was knackered and STARVING!! Anyway we got a kebab each and I can honestly say it was delicious - we washed it down with champagne - kebab and champagne - how absolutely fabulous!!

I am still aching now from the move, I have muscles I didn't know I had and my joints are sore and aching!! The house needs A LOT of work. Every room is in need of modernising - it's going to be a long time before it's finished but when it is - it will be beautiful!! I'm excited at getting things started though - we're starting with the kitchen (one room at a time).

Food wise, we haven't got a fridge right now (stupidly we left the last one at the old house - thinking we'd get a new one straight away - but it looks like it's going to be next weekend before we get one - in the meantime, we're living off take-away or crappy cupboard food!! I think we're going to get one of those big double American Style fridges with the ice dispensers on them, I love them but my boyfriend isn't decided yet (he thinks it may be a little too big) - At least we'll have cold milk though!! I'm dying to have some breakfast cereal!!

Anyway gotta go, still not unpacked most of the stuff and need to finsish giving everywhere a good clean still.

Today I appreciate myself for moving by working around the house

Tomorrow I will concentrate on accepting myself more