Stress Stress Stress

Not written much lately because I've been busy with moving house etc. I finding it very stressful - packing up boxes, sorting out change of addresses, dismantling things!! Been arguing lots with my fella but I suppose that's to be expected. Food wise, I have overeaten quite a lot - sometimes I think it is just to take my mind of the move!!

Today I appreciate myself for being so effiecient at packing, organising etc.

Tomorrow I will try to de-stress by relaxing a little over things

TFI Friday

Hello All. Today I'm feeling pretty good - not sure why, just do - so that's ok with me. Food wise, I haven't overeaten today and haven't had the urge to binge (maybe because I'm feeling contented ?!?). I'm definately glad that it's friday and I'm looking forward to a nice weekend off (sometimes I work weekends - but not this one - yey!!). I didn't manage to do much exercise yesterday (as planned) but I did spend a about 2 hours packing boxes and lugging them downstairs (so perhaps I could count that as moving - lol!!)

xxx

Today I appreciate myself for having a positive outlook

Tomorrow I will not binge, if I want to overeat, I'll put it on a plate and eat it slowly

Contracts Exchanged!!

Thank you for the replies I got to my post yesterday. I feel much better about it now. He spoke to her (the ex) yesterday and she apparently apologised - so I'm over it. Like you said, he turned her down so I should be feeling less insecure really.

My fella is working in London now until Friday, so when he comes back, I'll make an effort with sex, perhaps just making an effort will make me feel more sexy - we'll see.

Anyway - GOOD NEWS!! Yesterday the contracts were exchanged for both selling my house and buying the new one. We will now definitely be moving on 30th March. I can relax now and get things sorted for the move. I've noticed that I'm putting a lot on 'when we move'. i.e. I'll start exercising 'when we move', I'll concentrate more on intuitive eating 'when we move', I'll make more of an effort with sex 'when we move', I'll concentrate more on loving myself 'when we move' etc. etc. I suppose it makes a bit of sense because my head is filled with sorting things out for the new house at the moment but I suppose I've got to realise that a new house doesn't mean a new life - ha ha

Today I appreciate myself for looking in the mirror and feeling attractive this morning

Tomorrow I will make time to move my body

Bloody Exe's

My boyfriends mobile went off last night when he was in the shower and I looked at it, anyway, it was a text from his colleague, but I noticed he had a few texts from his daughters Mum and I looked at them (have never done this before but found myself curious!!). Anyway, she asked him for sex. I looked at his replies and he gently rebuffed her but I was so PISSED OFF!! They haven't been together for 11 years (his daughter is 13) and she knows that we are living together and buying a house. I've met her and to be honest was never jealous of their relationship but now I feel so pissed off!! I told him that I'd read the texts and he said that she does this now and again, like every 6 months - and he knows how to handle it. I was pissed off with him too though, it's inappropriate and he should tell her firmly that he doesn't want her sending messages like that. Anyway, we argued and he's said that he'll speak to her today about it! I've been quite aware that she'd get back with him if she could but to ask him for sex, it's ridiculous!! She sent one text saying that he's the only man that ever did it for her!! She needs to move on and find herself a new boyfriend. - like get over it - it's been 11 years!! I would never embarrass myself like that, but hey, I suppose I'm different.

Anyhow, this has made me feel more and more insecure, she's very slim and I suddenly thought what if he does want someone slimmer (when he met me I was a size 12 and he was obviously attracted to me then). Because I've put so much weight on, I feel like a blob and unattractive to him. (he's a good looking guy with a great body). At the moment. we're not having much sex. When we've talked about it, he says that it's probably to do with the stress of moving house but it's definately effecting my self esteem. I just don't feel sexy anymore!! Neither of us is initiating sex (well never me - it's not that I don't want it, it's just that I don't feel like he'd want me). It's crazy really because I know he loves me and we are very tactile - cuddling and kissing all the time - it's just the bloody sex thing. And now these texts from his Ex - I just feel 10 times worse.

I wish I could just accept myself like this, there are plenty of beautiful women my size who feel sexy and look great. I just can't seem to get my head round being positive with myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated xx

Nights out and holidays

Well Saturday night was a bit of a failure, my friend very quickly became very, very drunk and I had to basically carry her home!! The next day, she realised that she had only eaten a packet of crisps all day (Oh if only I could go all day forgetting to eat - ha ha!!) She was so ill, she actually slept with her head over the toilet!!

The house STILL isn't sorted, phoned up my solicitors and the estate agents today - trying to nag my way to get things moving but they obviously don't see it as such a priority!!

Had a lovely day at my boyfriends parents yesterday, his 2 year old niece was there and she is an absolute pleasure to be around - I was dancing and playing with her for hours - it was so much fun (and meant I got to move about doing something I love!!) Also went to my Mums in the evening to drop off her flowers and card. It was really nice to see her too, I don't see her as much as I used to as she has a boyfriend who I don't like very much (I usually get on with her boyfriends - ha ha - just wanted to explain that I'm not just being spoilt). Since she has been going out with him, we don't spend as much time together, we're still very close but it's definitely not the same. I suppose I should make more effort really!!

I overate this morning and then wasn't hungry at lunch so didn't have anything. However, by the time I was leaving work, I was getting really, really hungry - when I actually got to my house (nearly an hour later), I was famished!! I went straight to the kitchen and devoured 4 packets of crisps and about 10 biscuits (not eaten on a plate or mindfully may I add!!). OK, what have I learnt from this?? I have learnt - NOT TO GET THAT HUNGRY!! I put that in bold to remind myself - ha ha.

Just booked a holiday to Jamaica with my boyfriend. We're not going until November but it's something to look forward to and I can't wait!! I love Jamaica, it's so beautiful and fun!! I have to admit, I worked out the number of weeks until I go, and then tried to work out how much I'd weigh if I lost a pound a week until then. But then I thought STOP!! No more diets!! This will be the first time I go on holiday without dieting like crazy beforehand so that I feel half decent in my swimwear. It's scary but exhilarating!! xx

Today I appreciate myself for looking at why I ended up overeating.

Tomorrow I will be kind to myself about the way I look.

Packing Up

I've spent the day clearing under my stairs and throwing lots away or packing up what I am going to take when I move house. The move isn't sorted yet but whatever happens, I am going to move out on the 30th because I don't want to lose my sale. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work so that he can help me do a tip run (or three).

I can't believe how much stuff I have actually collected over the years and just thrown under the stairs!! Anyway I love the fact that it's empty now - I feel de-cluttered in myself - it's quite amazing!!

Ate breakfast mindfully without distractions but lunch I was watching American Idol and didn't want to turn it off (so didn't!!) - however, I did eat mindfully and have found that I didn't overeat so that's great!!

I'm really looking forward to going out tonight, I'm feeling positive about the way I'll look in my new dress and I always have fun when I go out with this friend, I'm going to dance, dance, dance - that ticks the 'Move' box for today ;o)

Today I appreciate myself for seeing myself as beautiful

Tomorrow I will take time to tune in

New Clothes

Had a rest day from work and went shopping today to buy some new clothes: - 2 tunic dresses, 2 pretty shirts, a sleeveless top and a smock top. Some were bigger sizes than I wanted to buy but I got home and cut the labels out. On the bright side, they all fit perfectly and now I have a nice selection of clothes that I can wear. My boyfriend did point out that 3 of them are mostly black (i.e. they are patterned with black and other colours) but at least they are not fully black and contain some bright colours.

The house move is still delayed - it was supposed to be sorted either yesterday or today but still no avail. I'm sick of it to be honest!!

I'm going out with my friend tomorrow night, I am really looking forward to it as I haven't been out since before christmas (mainly due to the fact that I have put so much weight on and didn't want to). Anyway I'm going to bite the bullet and wear one of my new dresses that I look nice in! My friend who I am going out with has lost a lot of weight recently and I've got to say she looks great (she looked great anyway but now she is glowing with confidence) - I have to admit that I am feeling jealous, especially since I've put so much weight on - I just don't feel as attractive anymore. On the plus side though, I haven't felt as out of control or tearful as I've been in the past. Although I still binge, it is not to the same extent and I don't beat myself up about it as much - I used to cry and cry and cry (and that was when I was a size 12).

Today I appreciate myself for buying new clothes in a bigger size

Tomorrow I will sit down and eat my food on a plate without distractions

Clothes Clothes Clothes

Decided today to sort out my wardrobe. I ended up either packing away or giving to charity 95% of my clothes!! I am left with a very small selection of black numbers - really it's very depressing!! I also packed and threw away a number of pairs of knickers (really there is nothing worse for me than knickers that are too tight - even if the other clothes that you are wearing fit perfectly, small knickers can ruin your whole feel to the outfit).

I decided to go shopping and buy some new knickers and a few bright colourful tops that fit well!! I bought the knickers and then went to try on some tops - I picked up size 16 (I recently have gone up to a size 16) and went to try them on but none of them fit properly and I left feeling depressed!! In hind sight, I should have tried the 18's but I was feeling self defeated and fat so left feeling even more miserable!! Tomorrow, I am attempting again and this time I will definately find some clothes that fit well (I'll cut out the tags afterwards so that I won't keep thinking about it).

Food wise, I have definately overeaten today but not full on binged, I feel that this is a start for me and hey - I'm trying to concentrate on one thing at a time - today was my clothing.

Following Ki's and Leesa's lead, I am going to mention what I appreciate myself for today: -

I appreciate myself for having the courage to sort out my clothes

Tomorrow : - I will buy some clothes that are colourful and fit me well xx

Help!!

Well I'm having a pretty shitty day. This morning I looked in my wardrobe to pick out an outfit and realised that 95% of my clothes are too small!! I eventually picked out something that I feel frumpy in - great start to the day!! I know I need to buy new clothes!!

Got to work and had loads of shit thrown at me - I'm at Uni on thursday and on a rest day friday so it HAD to be done today!!

Was supposed to do a home visit but got stuck in bad bad traffic and was too late. Ended up going to Sainsbury's to buy tonights dinner. While I was there, I thought I would try some clothes on - picked up some size 16's and went to the changing rooms - TOO TIGHT!!! I felt like crying but instead bought a big bag of kettle chips and a large chocolate bar!! Binged on these and then came home and ate my dinner along with over half a bottle of wine!! Feeling pretty drunk now, fat fat fat and depressed. PLUS my boyfriend has just come down (he was upstairs watching footy) and seen me writing this blog!! This means he will probably start reading it now - GREAT!!

Wish I could just be like 'ok I binged, no problem, I'm stressed and needed to at that moment' but instead I'm feeling like I am so huge and unattractive!! I don't want to even see people I haven't seen for a while because I'm sure they'll be shocked at how much weight I've put on!! I know that I'll be ok, it's just right now I'm feeling crappy :o( xx

Workshop

Well the weekend was wonderful - there was a group of 6 participants and 3 facilitators (9 altogether). Sophie took most of the workshop but Audrey and another lady also participated in delivery. We talked about our stories and went through each of the BC principles one by one, throughout were various exercises giving us chance to think about how things effect us individually etc.. One exercise that we did a few times was 'Tuning In' - when the book and e-course had asked me to tune in, to be honest the thought of it didn't appeal to me at all, I couldn't be bothered stopping to ask myself 'what's going on for me right now?'. However, at the workshop, we went round on by one and first described something physical, i.e. - I can feel my arm pressing on the chair or I can feel a burning sensation in my stomach. We then went round again and each of us said how we felt emotionally, i.e I am feeling anxious or I am feeling excited. Finally we went round and each said a thought we had, i.e, I am thinking what a nice dress that is or I am wondering if my sister got home ok last night etc etc. Tuning in this way was a lot more fun for me and I could see how effective it is at realising how you are feeling throughout the day. Since the workshop, I am finding it much easier to do it!!

The food at the workshop was OUT OF THIS WORLD - honestly it was so delicious. Apparently, there was a place nearby to the office the provides the food and it really was so so tasty!! All in all the weekend was brilliant, the support makes such a difference. I saw on the forum that people are keen to set up support groups and I think this is a great idea. I live in the Manchester Area and there are quite a few of us round here I think, so a support group would be perfect for me.

I'm still excited about the weekend, but I had terrible news this morning!! We are supposed to be moving house on friday but the people selling to us have now said that they can't do friday as they haven't sorted out anywhere to go!! I'm w0rried that I will lose my buyer now as they aren't prepared to give a date in which they can go (they're supposed to be moving into rented until their new house is ready!!) I've had a mini binge today, but I allowed myself to do it, In fact it was a decision I made - I knew I was feeling crappy about the house, so I allowed myself to overeat (chocolate and toffee). I feel ok about it and I didn't eat half as much as I would have in the past so I'm happy with myself.

Fabulous Weekend

What a wonderful, fabulous, fantastic weekend. The workshop was so interesting, informative, fun, deep. I honestly cannot say enough good things about it!!

The biggest message that came across to me was, not to worry if things don't go exactly how you plan - I suppose being a lifetime dieter, I always followed every rule to the tee (until I gave up and binged for England - ha ha). Now I see that it is ok to binge, in fact it is probable that I will and this is just part of the journey. I'm so excited about it all. This is short and sweet because I am sooooooooooooooooo busy at work, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy happy happy xx

Happy Mondays

I made up with my boyfriend, I just couldn't be bothered staying mad anymore. Being mad makes me too sad and the truth is I really do love him so much, even if he is a unthoughtful bugger sometimes!! To be honest, he's been really good since, taking me out, giving me massages, helping more round the house etc. etc. So I'll just forgive and forget this time.

Signed the papers for moving house today, exchange should be on Friday but I'm panicking that the buyer is going to pull out or that something is going to go wrong!! I know there is no point worrying, it's just that our last buyer pulled out last minute and we were heartbroken, so that's still fresh in my mind!!

I still haven't been shopping to stock up, feels like I just haven't had time, but that's probably not true, I should make time!!

Tried on some shorts on saturday that were loose 3 months ago, now they are so tight (like spray on!! Ha ha). To be honest, I took it quite well, I haven't been weighing myself but I knew I'd put weight on, suppose it's a bit dissapointing when it's so much though - argh well, I'm still gorgeous - LOL!!

I can't wait to move house (hopefully it will be a week on friday), I kind of feel like that will be a fresh start and I'll be ready to really concentrate on my Intuative Eating - right now everything is in the air. IE is constantly on my mind but I can't seem to get myself to do it right now - the good thing though is that I am not even contemplating dieting (what's the point??) xx

Feeling Better

Feeling much better today, I told my boyfriend to go and stay at his parents house last night, and I went round to my Mums with my sister and a friend. We drank wine and ate Pizza, salad and chocolate (birthday) cake. I love spending time with my Mum and sis, so it was great and when I woke up this morning, I felt 100 times better.

Last night, my boyfriend was asking if he could take me somewhere tonight, i.e go for a meal, a few drinks and stay in a hotel somewhere nice. I didn't give him an answer, still not sure if I want to spend time with him right now but we'll see. I don't want to make rash decisions because of a reaction to one event, however, I do need time to think about what is best for me. Being single is so much more scary for me at this weight, I know that's silly but it's how I feel. I'm a serial monogamist, I have never been out of a relationship since I was about 19, I jump from one to another and often they overlap. My Mum is the same way, I suppose it never really gives us time to reflect on what we really want. However, I know me, if I come out of this relationship, I will be in another one before I know it, plus I really do love him (the incosiderate bastard!! Excuse my language).

Breakfast for me today was doritos, cherry pie and ice-cream and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (x 5). Obviously, although I am feeling better, I am still eating for emotional reasons. To be honest, I wanted something savory, but there is nothing in the house that I fancied (I haven't been shopping for a week and a half). I really need to stock up - now that's definately on my to do list this weekend xx

Birthday Blues!!

I had a really shitty birthday. Well that's unfair, I went to see my friends new baby, which I really enjoyed, she is lovely. But when I got home (about 6.45pm), my boyfriend was in the bath and shouted out to me, "Where have you been, I wanted to take you for a meal tonight?", he then asked if I'd phone up 'Le Petit Blanc' and book it. So I did, anyway, when he got out of the bath, I asked him where my card was and HE HADN'T GOT ME ONE!!!! No card, no present and he couldn't even be arsed booking the restaurant himself!!! I told him to stick the meal up his arse (bit my nose off to spite my face a little bit there). I can't believe he didn't even get me a card!! We're supposed to be signing the papers next week to buy a house together, and I am seriously considering whether this is a good idea. I feel so let down and insignificant to him. He is all apologetic now, with excuses galore (not one of them valid!!), the thing is, we have only been together 18 months, so what is it going to be like in 5 years??

I've told him how I'm feeling and that I need to think things through, but my head is in a spin completely. The thing his, he has let me down before, he's always sorry and I always forgive him but then he does it again. If I keep forgiving him, he will keep letting me down (expecting me to forgive him). I'm completely lost what to do, part of me wonders if I should cut my losses and walk away before I commit to buying the house, yet, another part of me loves him to bits and doesn't want to be without him. I feel so confused at the moment. My eating is all over the place, I either can't eat a thing or I am binging like mad - but to be honest, that's not worrying me at the moment.

Birthday!!

Well it's my birthday today!! I'm 27 and suddenly feel so old (I know, I know - 27 isn't old), it's just that compared to 26, it feels much closer to 30!! I've noticed lately that my life has changed so much. Most of my friends have had babies and my social life seems to have taken a plummet! I used to be a real party girl, going out loads and socialising with my friends. It seems lately that I've lost that and it makes me sad. My boyfriend (who's 35) goes out more than me now and to be honest, that gets on my nerves. When I first met him, I was out about two times a week plus going Salsa dancing but now I only seem to go salsa dancing once a week and that's it. I've found myself blaming my weight for the change in my situation, when I met my boyfriend, a year and a half ago, I was a size 12 (having been on some starvation diet or other) and anyway, as always happens, I put weight back on and now I'm a size 16. I spend a lot of time wondering if it matters to him, of course, he denies it if I ask him and never makes negative comments, yet, I don't feel that he swoons after me anymore either. I've started reading 'Body Confidence', which so far is great - I love her ideas and the way she comes across. I truly believe that people who feel they are beautiful look more beautiful, their confidence shines through (regardless of their body size) and I know that when I am having a confident day, I look great. It's just sometimes it's hard to feel that way when you feel anything but!!

Not sure what I'm doing tonight, I'm hoping my boyfriend has organised to take me out or something, it was his birthday on Monday and I took him to watch 'The Producers' starring Peter Kay at the theatre and then for a meal. To be honest, organising things isn't his forte but my fingers are firmly crossed.

Eating wise, I'm not eating intuitively right now, but I feel that there is probably a good reason for this and I'm going to ride it out until we move house (in approximately 1 month). The good news is that I am not binging too often and I'm managing pretty well at not beating myself up about it when I do. Still really looking forward to the Beyond Chocolate Workshop next weekend in London (but not the drive down there - LOL) xx