Break Up

Me and my boyfriend are splitting up. I don't really want to go into the details right now but it's final. I'm in a mess because we've just bought the house together and so have to sort everything out.

Because we've ripped up the carpets, peeled of all the wallpaper and knocked down a wall, we need to do a lot of work on it before we can sell it on. Good news - my appetite has gone. Bad news - I want to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months when I'm over this.

Today I appreciate myself for being as strong as I can be

Tomorrow I will remind myself of the positives in my life

Thankyou

Thanks for all your comments. I'm feeling a lot better about things and have chilled out a bit on the exercise.

We went to Centre Parcs in Cumbria over the weekend - it's beautiful, you stay in cabins in the middle of a forest and it's absolutely gorgeous. We went quad biking, rock climbing and there's a fabulous water park. We had a lot of fun.

This is just a quick blog today but wanted to say thanks.

Today I appreciate myself for visualising

Tomorrow I will spend time on my reflection board

Exercise

Not blogged for a while because I've been busy decorating the house and at work etc.

I've started to go swimming with my friend in my lunch hour at work, and we've been doing 60 lengths (25 metres each) - it's been a killer but I definitely feel better for doing it. I'm trying to go about 3 times a week (been 4 times so far in the last week and half). It's good to see my friend so often and also she's been going for a while so it's easier for her - so this encourages me to push harder. The thing I like about swimming is that I don't get hot and sweaty so it doesn't feel as difficult.

Couldn't go swimming today because I'm off work and having my nails done, so I've just done an hour on my exercise bike (while watching a chat show!!). I've started to feel fitter already from increasing my exercise.

The only problem is, I've binged quite a lot over the last week. What's good though, I haven't had the 'all or nothing' approach. Usually when I binge, I don't want to exercise because I think 'What's the point? I've blown it' but I've been thinking, I want to be fitter whether or not I'm overeating.

I have to be honest, I've been trying to control what I eat a bit, i.e. trying not to eat so much junk food and therefore binging. The thing is intuitive eating hasn't been working for me either, having so much chocolate and crisps in the house is meaning that I'm eating them all the time and I have put on a LOT of weight. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not following the IE principles properly, I suppose I find it hard. The truth is I eat too much un-nutritional food - and it's effecting my health, i.e. I'm tired all the time, grumpy etc.... I like fruit and vegetables so it's not like it's hard for me to eat them, it's just that I always choose the high fat, high calorie food over them every time. I know that IE is the best way to deal with food, it's just hard. I don't want to sound like I'm whinging - 'it's hard, it's hard' . I suppose, I'm just waiting for it to click, and deep down I know it doesn't work like that. If I want something to work, I have to put effort in - and if I'm honest, I'm just not making enough effort. Any advice would be greatly appreciated right now, I really want to be able to eat intuitively and to stop obsessing with food!!

On the positive side, my boyfriends car went into the garage because the 'reverse had broken' - he's got a BMW with computerised gears, so we'd been expecting it to be really expensive. But I used the secret principles to ask and expect that it wouldn't cost much. He's just had a phone call and it's only going to be £70!! I'm so happy.

We're going to Cumbria for the weekend, I can't wait, it will be so nice to relax for a few days and enjoy each others company.

Today I appreciate myself for being honest and asking for help

Tomorrow I will start to read one of my books on IE to refresh the principles

Sugar, flowers and my car

My boyfriend bought me these flowers yesterday!! Aren't they gorgeous - they smell devine!! He's lovely!!

I got my car back today - YEY!! It's so cool to have a car again, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want!!!

I was reading bliss and beauty's blog and she has decided to experiment with eliminating sugar out of her diet for a week because she's noticed that she has more energy without it. So after reading that, I decided I would try it because I have been so tired recently (and I eat a hell of a lot of sugar!!) Anyway, yesterday I didn't eat sugar and felt good this morning but today I NEEDED chocolate - ha ha - so I think I may try it some days and keep a diary of how I am feeling. I definately feel a lack of energy recently so it will be good to experiment.

Today I appreciate myself for eating chocolate because I really wanted it

Tomorrow I will try to eliminate sugar

Law of Attraction

Having a great day!!!

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about being charged £3400 for my car being fixed - I basically just couldn't afford this and told the guy, but he wasn't backing down. Anyway I used the points from 'the secret' which was basically believing that I'd get my car back easily, imagining myself in my car, trusting that everything would be okay. Well I wrote the guy a letter last week saying that I was happy to pay £1500 as this was the last price that I agreed to and this morning he phoned me up and reluctantly agreed. So YES I'm getting my car back!! Woo hoo!! I've been using my boyfriends now and again but it's horrible not having the complete freedom of your own car!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Today I appreciate myself for trusting that everything would be OK with my car

Tomorrow I will be more present while I eat

Silence in Blog World

I've noticed that blog world seems to be pretty quiet at the moment, I assume that the British Bloggers will be silent due to spending time in the sunshine and away from the computer but I've got to say I'm missing reading up on everyone. So please, please keep writing xx

Also does anyone know what happened to Beakerella's blog? It seems to have disappeared

- it's a shame because I loved reading what she was up to. You feel like you know someone when you read their blog and it's sad because I just want to know that's she's OK.

I'm good, I emailed a couple of girls from school the other day to see what they're up to now. There was a large group of us who were very very close at school but I went to a different college and lost touch. They both replied but it made me quite sad that most of them still see each other a lot and have continued the friendship. I'm not sure why really because I love my life, I love my friends and if I hadn't gone to another college, my life would be completely different. I suppose sometimes reminiscing just makes us sad.

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'Love Whispers', it's got a similar theme to the secret but concentrates more on God, I'm really enjoying it and would definitely recommend it - I read half of it lay in the sun in the garden on Saturday.

Today I appreciate myself for concentrating on the positive things in my life

Tomorrow I will eat more intuitively

3 km

Things got sorted with my boyfriend. He chose not to dwell on what happened on the promise that if I had any further communication with my ex, I would tell him about it. I spoke to my ex and explained so I doubt we will have contact anymore anyway. I suppose it's probably a good thing that this happened because it's made me think about how lying is just stupid. I know that my boyfriend is probably still hurting but he's hiding it very well.

Yesterday my lovely boyfriend went shopping and came home with a pair of running trainers and a pink running top for me. The trainers are Nike running and they're white, pink and silver and I absolutely love them. I was jogging in tennis trainers before and my calves were absolutely killing but yesterday I wore them when we went out for a jog and they were so much better.

I logged the route on www.26point2.co.uk (thankyou Alice for telling me about the fabulous site) and worked out that I had jogged 3km. I was knackered but I have definately built up because last time I only did 2km and stopped to walk about 6 times, this time I did 3 km and stopped to walk only twice (and literally only for a minute each time).

Also I went bellydancing last night, it was a lot of fun again - the class is a workout enough to get you warm doing it but not knackered - I think it's very sexy. The woman who teaches it makes you feel very confident about being a women (whatever your size).

I'm also really excited. We've bought some solid oak flooring for the living room, dining room and hall of our house. It's absolutely beautiful and we're going to start to put it down this weekend. When we moved into the house, we ripped the carpets up straight away (they were disgusting) so since then (10 weeks ago), we've been living on concrete floor downstairs. It's cold and looks horrible so I can't wait for the gorgous new floor to be put down.

I have ANOTHER 3000 word essay due in for University next thursday. I'm studying Social Work part-time but it's hard work when you also work full time too and are decorating a house and have a life!! Ok I know MOAN MOAN MOAN. To be honest, I hate writing essays - I love lectures and training etc but essays are just a pain in the butt. I am always last minute too - I haven't even started yet but have taken wednesday off work to do it.

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought is 'I love my life' - it was such a great buzz to wake up in such a great mood. I think exercising more is definately helping my emotions.

Food wise, I am still overeating (and overeating a lot of junk!!). There's a lot of the Intuative Eating Principles that I am not following, i.e. stocking up, eating without distraction, stopping when I'm satisfied, eating when I'm hungry (I'm also eating when I'm not hungry!!) However, what I definately have found is that I'm not overeating as much as I used to. For example, I am not having full on binges and also I am not as obsessed with food. But I have noticed that I'm thinking about dieting a lot, I think its because the summer weather means skimpy clothes and right now I'm about a size 18 and 14 stone (196lbs) and don't feel nice bearing flesh. Also I find that I get hot and flustered and uncomfortable in the heat (definately more so as I've put weight on). But I'm not going to dwell on that because I'm having a great day today and I'm beautiful whatever size I am.

Today I appreciate myself for enjoying life and realising how great mine is

Tomorrow I will incorporate the Intuative Eating principles more into my day

Man Troubles

I have been really stupid!!

I still chat with my ex from time to time, my boyfriend doesn't really like it and he stopped talking to his exes for me as I wasn't comfortable with it. Double standards I hear you cry!! Anyway to make matters worse I have my ex under a girls name in my mobile phone. Why?? Well I suppose it's because I didn't want my boyfriend worrying about me talking to him when there really isn't anything in it. However, yesterday my ex phoned - I ignored it because my boyfriend was there!! Why?? Again, I suppose not to worry him. Well, my boyfriend knew that something was strange about this and started asking loads of questions, I lied and lied but I'm a terrible liar and he just didn't believe me, so in the end I admitted the truth. The fact is that NOTHING is going on, but I realise that all my lying has just made matters so much worse. I have never seen my boyfriend so wound up or hurt - he's completely lost trust in me and I don't blame him. Why have I been so f**king stupid?? (sorry about the swearing but I feel like I need to right now!!) I don't know what to do!! He keeps imagining things happening that aren't and in his head, all sorts is going on. (I know that I would be 100 times worse if I was in his position). I wish I had been honest or not even spoken to my ex - but I suppose that there is no going back on that now. I hate the fact that I've let him down. Will he ever trust me again?? I hate liars (and now I a great big one).

After we argued, he went out for a run - I thought I better give him some space so didn't go with him. Instead I did 25 minutes on my exercise bike - to be honest, I think it is exactly what I needed - exercise can help you clear your mind a bit.

Anyway, feeling guilty like this didn't cause me to overeat (which is great) - however, I did drink half a bottle of wine and 2 cans of beer (I don't even really like beer). We were awake half the night going over and over the same things - I am so tired!!

Today I appreciate myself for realising I am wrong and not overeating

Tomorrow I will eat one meal without distraction

Lovely Weekend

I went jogging again on saturday morning but for some reason, I found it a lot harder - my calf muscles felt really tight and they were hurting a lot as I ran. My boyfriend ran off ahead of me (we were jogging around a really big field) - he did 3 laps to my 2. I think I maybe also run better when somebody is next to me as I am less likely to stop. I'll make sure that I stretch more before I go next time.

Had a very strong 'I'm going to diet' moment this weekend, I think I've put more weight on and last night as I was getting ready to go out, I felt huge!! Anyway it soon passed. I'm not really following the IE principles apart from 'eat what you want' so that is my next task - i.e. only eat when I'm hungry (well most of the time).

Today I appreciate myself for having a really lovely day with my boyfriend

Tomorrow I will eat when I'm hungry

Belly Dancing!!

Me and my boyfriend didn't go jogging on wednesday evening. He was knackered when he came home from work and to be honest, I didn't really feel like it. I've realised that I exercise a LOT better in the mornings. I'm a morning person!! However, last night I went bellydancing, it was a lot of fun. I went with my friend and we were laughing the whole time calling each other Shakira. It killed 2 birds (or even 3) with one stone as I want to exercise more, I love dancing and I don't see much of my friend anymore, so it's a great way to see her every week.

Today I appreciate myself for making an effort with my appearance

This weekend I will go jogging again

Jogging

I went jogging yesterday with my boyfriend. We'd talked about going for a couple of weeks and never got round to it. I was nervous about going because I haven't exercised much for months and my boyfriend has a manual job so he is pretty fit. Anyway, we went and I really enjoyed it. I jogged until I was out of breath, walked until I got my breath back and then jogged again. My boyfriend walked when I walked (I think he was glad of the rest too - ha ha). I enjoyed it more than I have ever enjoyed jogging before. In the past, I would push myself to run for a set period of time and completely exhaust myself - resulting in me aching like crazy for days and not wanting to go again. This way is so much more fun.

We hoping to go again on wednesday evening (as long as my boyfriend doesn't get home too late from work). I'm aching a little bit today, but not too bad. I'm definately looking forward to going again.

Food wise, I'm still not practicing intuative eating completely, but I can recognise that I am making progress. My binges have dramatically decreased and I'm not thinking about food every 5 minutes (it's every 10 minutes instead now). I'm feeling positive about myself too, learning to love myself as I am now and noticing that I am making changes which is great. Plus, I haven't dieted for months which is probably the longest ever since I was 12.

Today I appreciate myself for being optimistic

Tomorrow I will go jogging again

TFI Friday

Check out this website - it show's three feel good film clips. It's cool.

I know I said that I would blog again on wednesday but I didn't - tut tut!! I was busy busy all day at work and too tired to use the internet at home - so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it - lol!!

I'm trying to work hard on my confidence at the moment and enjoying life right now. I've realised that I completely place my happiness on whether I am slim or not, and that is completely ridiculous. Always thinking 'why should I have fun, I'm too fat!!'. Anyway, I'm sick of feeling that way so I've decided to enjoy life and enjoy being me RIGHT NOW and to be honest I'm feeling pretty damn good.

Yesterday the mechanic phoned (my car has been in for repair for 3.5 months) to tell me that my car is finished and the bill is £3500 (yes that's right £3500 or USA $7000 or Austrailian $8500). My Car is only worth about £4000 - £4500 so it's absolutely ridiculous!! Last update he told me it was going to be about £1500 - which is so much as it is, but £3500 - it's complete craziness!! Anyway I've phoned the Citizen's Advice and perhaps I can argue paying that much (Frankly I haven't got it and have no way of getting that kind of money) and my boyfriend is going to go down and speak to the guy this afternoon. However, I'm not going to let it get to me too much, I'm thinking positively and everything will be ok and get sorted - I'm sure of it!!

The sun is shining in Manchester so I'm a happy bunny and it's BANK HOLIDAY so 3 days off work for me - yey!!

Today I appreciate myself for being positive

Tomorrow I will move my body

I'm Back!!

I've not blogged for a while, not sure why, just haven't seemed to have much time!! I'm good - things seem to be going well in all areas of my life. Today I got my results for my essays - 63% and 68% - I am really really pleased. I can't actually quite believe it because I didn't put much time or effort into either of them. It just shows that if I try harder then I'll get pretty excellent marks!!

I'm concentrating on the aspects of 'the secret' which means that I am feeling so much more positive about everything and I am also noticing that great things are happening to me: -

- I got offered a free weeks holiday to Centre Parks in Cumbria (somebody had pulled out)

- My essay grades were great

- I won £10 on the lottery

- I went out last Saturday night & had 2 different people come up to me & tell me I'm beautiful

Eating wise, I'm not binging as such, however, I am not following the beyond chocolate principles so I am grazing a lot and definately overeating. I'm going to start doing my Multi-media course over again to help me make steps little by little!!

I'm going to Jamaica in November and I keep thinking to myself 'Mmmm 6 months, if I really tried by then I could lose 3.5 stone'. I know, I know - not good - my plan is to have a great acceptance of my body by then and to be finding the BC principles are coming easier (whatever my shape!!)

Anyway I hope everybody is well

Today I appreciate myself for not finishing off the chips I had just because they were there

Tomorrow I will blog again

The Secret

I watched the film 'The Secret' on Tuesday. I had heard a lot about it and really wanted to see the film. Anyway I discovered that I could pay (about £2.50) to watch it online. The website is www.thesecret.tv for anyone interested. Anyway, it was fantastic - I would reccommend it to anyone. It's about the 'law of attraction' and basically how if you stay in a positive state and believe that you will get what you want, then these things will be attracted to you. I think I'm going to buy the DVD so that I can watch it again and again. It's a really 'feel good' film so I know that I'd watch it regularly.

I'm feeling good. I'm going to watch 'Lionel Richie' tonight. I can't wait - the oldies are the best.

Today I appreciate myself for being really positive

Tomorrow I will move my body

Essay done - Hallelujah!!

I'VE FINISHED MY ESSAY - YEY!! It's like a weight off my shoulders - why don't I just do them on time?? Next time, I'll get it done on time~(did I mention that I have two 3000 word essays due in in 8 weeks!!) Anyway enough Uni - I've had enough!!

I've been overeating loads, think I can probably put it down to worrying about my Uni work so hopefully I'll be able to get things together again soon.

Short and sweet today because the weather is too nice to be sat in on the computer - LOL.

Today I appreciate myself for getting my essay in

Tomorrow I will eat when I'm hungry

Overeating

I've been overeating the last couple of days, think it's because of a few reasons: -

- being unsatisfied with how my relationship is at the moment

- worrying about still not doing my essay (yet not making any effort to start)

- feeling insecure about the way I look

Since we've moved house, my boyfriend and I don't seem to be as loving as we were. We spend less time going out, cuddling up or making effort with each other. I keep putting it down to the fact that I've put on weight and that he probably doesn't fancy me. I know that this is silly and that what is much more likely is the fact that we've moved house, have so much to do and are totally stressed and busy with it all.

Sometimes I get frustrated because my relationship isn't wonderful. It's not a bad relationship, it's just not perfect. I've found throughout my life that I expect my relationships to pretty much be without problems. When things aren't as great as I expect them to be, I give up and get out. My current relationship is my longest yet - I usually make it to about the 1 year mark. I wonder if that means that I'll always be searching instead of putting more effort into what I already have. (And I do love my boyfriend very much). I suppose I'm stubborn, I feel - 'Why should I put effort in when he doesn't seem to?'. My boyfriend seems more settled with things, if he is frustrated, he doesn't show it. I think he is happy to just get on with things. I want passion, excitement, deep conversations and strong lust. Settled and getting on with things just isn't me. I've spoken to friends about this previously and they advice me to make an effort etc.. but what I want is to be adored - for him to make an effort with me. Am I being selfish?? I don't know - probably. I want big love - BIG MOVIE LOVE!!

Anyway I've eaten too much - without putting it on a plate or eating it mindfully - HOWEVER, I stopped before it became one of my usual full on binges. I don't feel overlly full (defiantely full but no to the point where it hurts). So this is definately progress. In fact, writing this has made me feel more positive. I love how I am kinder to myself in so many ways since I have started eating intuatively.

Today I appreciate myself for writing my blog when I wanted to curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself

Tomorrow I will eat exactly what I want and put it on a plate

Pampering Myself

I'm going out tonight with people from work, it's one of the girls birthdays, she's hired a room in a swanky wine bar and apparently there is about 100 people going. Anyway I've bought a new dress, it's pink and summery and utterly lovely. I've had false eyelashes put on (I just love falseys), painted my nails and toenails a lovely pink colour and fake tanned. I feel great!! Honestly, when I spend time on myself I feel fabulous for doing it - I should do this more often definately.

My Chocolate Tasting Box came today - Ive had 2 of the chocs and they were lush!! I'm hiding them away from my boyf though because he's a chocoholic and would scoff them all down in one sitting without REALLY TASTING them!! Ha ha - I feel naughty but more for me - woo hoo!!

Last night we were supposed to get a curry but my boyfriend was messing about working on the house and I was getting more and more hungry (I was hungry for curry!!) Anyway it eventually got to 11.30pm and I exploded - I was so hungry and mad with him for not hurrying up that I started crying - I was crying out of hunger!! In the end, I yelled at him and put a pizza in the oven - I only ate half of it (I suppose because it's not what I really wanted) but I am proud of myself for not binging (I have often done this in the past when I get this hungry!!) Even though I was starving, I ate slowly and mindfully.

Today I appreciate myself for taking time with my appearance

Tomorrow I will tune in

Eventually Got Moving

Well I didn't write one word of my essay - I am so bad!! But I did exercise, I hula hooped. I'm not particularly good at it but it's fun and I'm getting better.

Today I also did 20 minutes of a hip-hop dance DVD called 'Phat Moves', I love dancing and that was a lot of fun. I can't believe how unfit I have got though, I lose my breath so much easier than I used to but of course this will improve as I move more.

I overate yesterday, think it was out of boredom and frustration, however, I stopped myself before I got to the overfull point. I feel good about this, little things seem to be clicking into place. I've noticed that I'm drinking a lot of wine though (I love red wine!! Mmmm mmmm Lush) The thing is though, my boyfriend and I seem to be drinking a bottle between us every other night, sometimes more :o\ I'm going to lay off it a bit, I know it's good for you but not that much - lol!!

Today I appreciate myself for dancing

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating!! I took the day off work today to write my essay (due in last Thursday but I got a weeks sick note from the Dr - so now this Thursday). I can't seem to start - instead I am surfing the net and even contemplating exercising!! I have this hula hoop and DVD set which I haven't used yet (I always enjoy exercise DVDs more on the first time you use them) so I think maybe I'll have a go of that - exercise might clear my mind ready for study!!

Thanks Alice for your kind offer of staying at your place on the Sunday night, I'm going to speak to work tomorrow and see if I can get the Monday off - if so, that would be great. Which airport is better to use - Gatwick or Heathrow??

My boyfriend's cousin is a fitness instructor - my boyfriend was talking to him and apparently he said that he'd come round and demonstrate some exercises etc.. I was like 'cool so is he going to do us an exercise package' - my boyfriend said, 'not me, you'. I was like 'Oh'. He wasn't being mean or anything but then I got to thinking - has he been talking to his cousin about me putting on weight or something?? It could be completely innocent - like my boyfriend already knows what exercises to do so his cousin will show me - we've been talking for ages about getting fitter. I don't know - I'm not upset, just interested about it!! Last night, we had a great night - curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine - really affectionate - it was great.

Eating wise - IE is going really well right now - I made fish, potatoes and peas for dinner last night - it was really simply and I was really hungry so it tasted great!! I didn't leave room for desert so I sat back whilst my boyfriend scoffed chocolate sponge pudding - I wasn't even tempted by it. I felt truly satisfied!!

This morning I stood in front of the mirror in my underwear and looked at myself. My plan was to look with a neutral eye and notice things without judgement. I looked at my stomach and noticed how it curves out, I looked at the smooth lines down my side and I looked at the way my bottom pops out at the top of my legs. I didn't feel disgusted (as has often been the case lately) - I actually felt quite pleased. My body is so interesting (everybody's is) and to look at it without judgement about weight, fat etc. is a completely different experience. I think I'll keep up with this, it's definitely helped me to feel better about myself today.

Today I appreciate myself for looking at my body in a positive way

Tomorrow I will eat more slowly

Mmmmm Chocolate

I've just had a Brandy Truffle, I sucked it very slowly and it was absolutely bloody gorgeous!! I'm waiting for a box of 'Hotel Chocolat' truffles to arrive (I've joined the chocolate tasting club - mmm mmm delicious!!). Anyway, I just couldn't wait, so popped to Thornton's to buy a box of Continental to keep me going in the meantime. I love eating just one chocolate and feeling satisfied!! There's times when I can eat 20 bars of chocolate and still not be satisfied (obviously I'm eating for emotional reasons at those times) but today I just ate one single truffle and that was enough!! This feels like freedom, I hope I get more instances like this - that it will get easier and easier and eventually food won't rule my life!! It's hard to imagine a life not thinking about food or my weight, what would I think about? I'm sure there are plenty, much more interesting subjects I could concentrate on - ooh it's exciting!!

I'm a bit worried about getting to the Beyond Chocolate Tea Party. My train doesn't arrive in Euston until 1.30pm and then I have to get to London Bridge - so won't arrive until 2pm :o( The earlier train would mean leaving at 6.30am and arriving far too early so that's no good. I have contemplated driving but it's a really long way to go there and back in one day. I'm thinking about getting there for 2pm - it just seems a lot of travelling (8 hours) to only spend 3.5 hours there!! Not sure what I'm going to do - sometimes I wish I lived closer to London, it seems that everything goes on down there!! Lol

I tidied and cleaned all the downstairs of my house yesterday, it was very dusty and dirty because we'd knocked an inner wall down but now it's lovely- I've got to admit, I get a really satisfied feeling when the house is sparkling clean.

Today I appreciate myself for eating one chocolate and feeling utterly satisfied

Tomorrow I will be positive about the way I look